Root Cause
by reig
Summary: What do you do when one simple thing can cause a whole chain of events to occur and you didn't expect it? When your life changes in seconds just like how dominos fall, do you fight it or surrender? Mainly romantic and angsty story...
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone, here I am with a new story! First of all, this story is in Lisbon's POV. I've never written anything like this and I really hope I will be able to stay in character. Please, feel free to tell me your opinion about it, because I would like it to be as truthful as it can be… :)  
Oh, and I know this chapter is horribly short, but I couldn't make it any longer. Though I promise the other, following ones will be longer!  
Thank you for reading this story! I hope you will like it!**

**Special thanks to _MarvelDC superhero fan_ for beta reading it! :)  
**

_Disclaimer: I have no rights, this show isn't mine…_

It hurt.

It hurt so much; the pain was overwhelming. I couldn't breathe as the unbearable pain coursed through my veins, spreading through my whole body.

I heard Jane's distant whisper, pleading me to open my eyes. His voice was horrified, begging and desperate. I didn't realize my eyes were closed until I heard it.

I tried to tell him that I couldn't open my eyes but my mouth let me down. My lips stayed closed and I could barely force them open to let out a strangled sigh. It was nearly inaudible, even for me, and I tried to suck some air into my lungs before my mouth shut again.

My limbs felt heavy, not like the usual exhausted-heavy, but a different kind. I was sure that someone put something incredibly heavy on me.

I heard Jane's voice, calling out to someone. Telling them to come here.

I wanted to tell Jane not to call them, tell him to keep talking to me because his soothing voice eased my pain. But he fell silent, whispering "Stay with me" from time to time. He sounded so extremely sad and worried that I wanted to open my eyes and tell him that it's all going to be okay. But I couldn't...

The weight on my chest pushed me down, down and I was suffocating. I wanted to scream, to ask Jane to help me, but my voice didn't work.

I felt warmness on my side and I was sure he covered me with his jacket. I even tried to smile a little at his kindness; he was so thoughtful. Then I realized that the warmness couldn't be his clothing because it felt wet. It made my shirt damp and it smelled bad, absolutely not like the delicious scent of Patrick Jane.

My insides clenched as I recognized the smell. I knew it too well; it greeted me on every crime scene. It was the sharp, bitter smell of blood. And as I put the pieces together, the terrible realization hit me. It was my blood, flowing freely from my body.

The wound on my side was burning and the pain got worse as I paid more attention on it. I tried to concentrate on Jane's uneven breathing besides me and I hoped with all my heart that he wasn't hurt.

I forced my mouth to open again and, despite all the pain in my body, I strained my voice to work.

"J..Jane..Jane..." I stammered in a whisper, my side aching even more as I tried to take another breath. I didn't care; I needed to know he was all right.

"Lisbon! Teresa, it's going to be okay... Don't worry, I'm here with you... The ambulance will be here any minute!" he murmured to me in a rushed tone. His voice sounded close as if he were leaning over me. My eyes were still closed but I wanted to see him, especially if he was so close. I had to see his sparkling blue eyes that could do miracles to me. His eyes could bring me hope and happiness or could push me into the darkness of fear and panic.

My eyelids were heavy too; they fluttered closed every time I tried. It took me more than a minute to open my eyes, but it was worth the work. I was greeted with the most amazing ocean blue eyes I've ever seen. He was looking at me, his eyes caring and concerned.

We stared deeply into each other's eyes, silently reassuring the other that it will be okay.

"Just stay with me..." he whispered, but I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.

My breathing was harder, more like panting and my lungs felt dry.

Suddenly I heard the sound of the ambulance and as the car stopped Jane sighed, a small sound of relief. Footsteps sounded and I felt like I can't resist the darkness anymore. It sucked me down like a black hole, away from this world, away from the reality, away from Jane and everything I loved...

I wanted to fight it. I loved to live. I wanted to live! I wanted to be able to see my team again, to feel the rush of adrenaline through my veins while we were about to solve a particularly difficult case, I wanted to eat at my favorite Italian restaurant once more, to swim in the ocean, to see the Eiffel Tower. I needed to hug my brothers and tell them I loved them. I wanted to tell Jane I loved him...

But the darkness was too strong. I couldn't fight it no matter how hard I tried. Images from my life flowed through my mind and I was sure I started to cry.

"Lisbon, stay with me! Do you hear me? Open your eyes!" Jane begged me, but I wasn't really there anymore. I was deep down in the endless darkness.

Just before I was completely engulfed with the darkness, I heard two or three people run to me and they started to examine me. I heard Jane's trembling voice as he told them what happened, that I had a gunshot wound at my side. Somebody touched my side and I wanted to scream from the pain, but I couldn't. Somehow they managed to get me on a stretcher and I felt hands on me, cutting my shirt open, touching the wound. The blood never stopped flowing from my body and I heard somebody swear.

"That's a lot of blood. Let's hope the bullet didn't hit organs and arteries."

A hand grasped mine as it lay motionless beside me and I was sure it was Jane's. His skin was cold as ice and I could feel him shaking. If I had the strength I would have squeezed it, but I couldn't... I just lay there, helplessly bleeding out as the doctors tried to save me.

They lifted me into the ambulance and I was starting to black out.

Through the dizziness in my mind, I heard the conversation between Jane and the doctor. He wanted to come with me in the ambulance and the doctor made him promise that he won't cause trouble. Just like he knew Jane...

Jane swore that he would be good and I heard the bang as they closed the ambulance's back door.

I felt really weak. The darkness wasn't scary anymore; I was getting used to it. I could barely remember anything at all from my life. I found out I couldn't imagine Cho's or Rigsby's face, nor VanPelt's... I couldn't hear the laughter of Tommy in my head. But I was too weak to care, to weak to panic. It was like I was slowly disappearing. I was almost nothing... People say they want to be transparent in situations but now I felt like I was literally transparent. It was horrible but I couldn't think about it with the fog that filled my mind.

The last thing I heard, probably the only thing that kept me alive in that terrible moment, the thing that made me want to fight for my life even more was Patrick Jane's broken, desperate whisper in my ear.

"Please don't leave me...I love you Teresa!"

**So… What do you think? Did you like it, or not? Please please leave a review, tell me your thoughts! It would mean the world and it would sure be an inspiration!  
And although, this was mostly drama and angst I promise it will get more romantic, funny, full of Jane antics and so on…:)  
Next chapter will be up (hopefully) in a week! ;)  
Until then, xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey most amazing readers in the world! I truly can't thank you enough for the heartwarming reviews and all the alerts on the first chapter! You are all really fantastic and I'm so grateful to have you! Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked the first chapter and I hope you will like the others too! :)  
So, here is the next part and, yeah… Please don't hate me if this isn't what you expected, I hope no one will be disappointed though!  
A huge thanks goes out to _MarvelDC superhero fan _for betaing my fic! :)  
Please enjoy! :)**

_Disclaimer: No matter how hard I wish, this show will never be mine…_

**3 days ago**

"Jane, do you mind?" I pushed him aside as I tried to put a heavy box on the top shelf. He was way taller than me, but it didn't even cross his mind to offer to help, of course. Not that I would accept. Nope, I can manage by myself perfectly, thanks.

"Sorry Lisbon..." he said quickly before he continued his endless, and mostly pointless babbling. I wasn't even sure what he was talking about right now. I lost track and interest when he started talking about how UFOs can breathe in the space, in a vacuum!

I sighed when the box was finally in place. I double checked; I certainly didn't need it to fall. Though if it fell on Jane, that meant he would shut up. A thought worth considering...

He was in my way again, every time, every second. I pushed past him and he didn't even bother to say a thing. And I would have been so mad at him. I would have fired him, but I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to. As much as he drove me crazy, he could be helpful on crime scenes. And for me, that was the most important thing, to close the case.

All right, maybe I liked having him there a little. Though I would never admit it out loud.

"So then, the pirates found out that she was a spy and they sat down to discuss what to do with her..." he said without a pause. I was wondering if he ever paused to take a breath. It didn't seem like that.

There was a soft knock on my door and I glanced up gratefully to find Rigsby there.

"Boss, we've got a case!" he told me and for the first time that morning a genuine smile spread on my face.

"Coming!" I nodded and as the agent disappeared I put my pen down next to the stack of paperwork that was still waiting to be done and got up. "Care to join us Jane, or do you have better things to do?" I asked him with a sarcastic edge in my voice.

"Nah, I think I'll stay if you don't mind..." he shook his head and lay down on my couch.

"Sure, just rest. You don't need to help. After all, that's not what you're paid for!" I told him as I left the room, shutting the door loudly after myself.

* * *

This case was a disaster from the start! I knew it in the moment I saw the crime scene.

The body was of a middle aged man was found in an alley behind a fancy club. It wasn't just one of those dingy nightclubs, actually quite elegant. And crazy expensive, of course.

He was good looking, well dressed, and obviously rich as hell. His name was Martin Boyton and, as later we found out, he was the head of the Boyton Foundation and the Boyton Corporation, a company that worked on some kind of electronic equipment, things that get you well paid these days.

When we arrived back at the CBI, Jane was napping on his couch. I had a really strong urge to kick him, but I managed to restrain myself and simply told VanPelt to wake him up. I didn't have the patience to deal with him right then.

I went back into my office, waiting for Cho's news on the victim's family.

I sighed deeply. Another life that I have to hurt, another dream that I had to break. I hated it; I knew it was part of my job, to tell the family, but still I hated it...

When the wife, Christina arrived I invited her to sit in my office and I started to tell her as gently as I could. She was devastated. She broke out in tears and asked how was it even possible. She sobbed that Martin was home every day at seven and that they were about to have a baby next summer and that the man never had any fights or disagreements with anyone. She was sniffling and upset and I had to listen really carefully to make out her words.

After that, I asked some question about her husband. I inquired if he used to go to that club or if he was working close by. She wiped her eyes and looked at me. She was much calmer than before and I got most of the answer from her until Rigsby's knock came, interrupting Christina.

"Yes?" I called out and he stepped in with a strange expression on his face. It was a bit amused and a lot confused, and it got me curious instantly... "What's up, Rigsby?" I questioned and instead of replying he motioned for me to step outside.

I excused myself and left the victim's wife in my office.

"Boss, you're not going to believe it!" the agent started with an excited tone. "So, this woman in your office is Martin Boyton's wife, right?" he asked and I nodded. "Well, she's not the only one who thinks he belongs with her!" he said.

"What?" I asked sharply, not completely understanding. "What are you talking about, Rigsby?" I questioned, and he moved a little backwards so I could get a better view of the bullpen. Next to VanPelt's desk, I saw a woman in her thirties with long, blond waves and a pretty, though naive, face. I looked at Rigsby and he nodded towards the woman.

"Boss, meet Sally Rogers. She's the fiancée of our victim. Or at least she thinks so..."

* * *

"Are you kidding me?" I asked as I stared at the woman in the bullpen.

"No, she arrived just after you led the wife in your office. Cho has already questioned her and she really seems to be his girlfriend." Rigsby shrugged, but I still couldn't believe it.

That was when Jane appeared at the agent's side. He came from the kitchen and had a cup of tea in his hands. His eyes were sparkling with curiosity.

"Did I hear correctly? Did you, my dear friend, just say that the victim had a wife _and_ a fiancée?" he asked in an amused tone. He was so excited about it that I had to roll my eyes.

"Yeah..." Risgby nodded and even though he tried his best to keep a straight face I could see a smile hiding in the corner of his mouth.

"How awkward is that?" Jane grinned shamelessly. "Have the two women met already?"

"Fortunately not," I told him and he rubbed his hands together. "No Jane!" I snapped immediately, his plan clear to me.

"Why not?" he whined and I saw Rigsby looking from Jane to me; he didn't understand what was going on.

"Because there is no way you're going to introduce someone's wife to his fiancée while I'm in command. I certainly don't need a catfight in my bullpen!" I said, closing the argument.

"Killjoy..." Jane muttered and Rigsby snorted to muffle his laughter.

"All right, I want to talk to the fiancée too. Please, Rigsby, go talk to the wife now. Her name is Christina Boyton." I started for the bullpen and heard the agent's agreement.

I was almost in the bullpen when I heard Jane's steps behind me. I stopped and turned to him with an annoyed face.

"What? I thought you wanted to skip this case..." I raised an eyebrow mockingly.

"A victim with a wife and a fiancée? No, I really can't skip that..." he shook his head and as much as he drove me crazy I couldn't help but feel happy about his change of mind. Though I would never admit it, I really preferred working with him on cases because he made working fun...

"Of course" I muttered and continued towards VanPelt's desk. When I got there the blond woman looked at me curiously, her eyes puffy and red. "Miss Rogers, I'm Agent Teresa Lisbon. I'm truly sorry for your loss!" I extended my hand and she weakly shook it. "I would like to ask you some questions, if it's not a problem..."

When she nodded I led her to Rigsby's desk, knowing that the man wouldn't need it for a time, and we sat down. I saw Jane from the periphery of my vision as he settled down on his couch. He showed no intention to join the questioning and I guessed he might have changed his mind again before I saw that he sat right on the closest edge of the couch, slightly leaning forward so he could hear what we would say. I resisted rolling my eyes and simply turned to the woman in front of me.

* * *

"So, any insights?" I plopped down next to Jane when the fiancée left. "By the way, how many times do I have to tell you that eavesdropping is wrong?" I added.

"I wasn't eavesdropping, I was observing..." he explained with mock hurt on his face, and when I raised an eyebrow he grinned. "And I think she is a really sad, quite attractive woman."

"Seriously Jane, that's all you've got?" I asked in the most disappointed voice I could come up with.

"Oh, I've got a lot more, my dear." he said suggestively but just I hit his arm, not even blushing at the innuendo in his voice that was probably fake."All right," he gave in with a little pout "You're no fun!" he accused.

"I'm all fun, Jane! If only you knew how much..." I teased and immediately regretted it. The excited sparkle in his eyes made me worried.

"Oh really?" he turned his whole body towards me and his smile was amused.

"Jane, focus! The fiancée..." I reminded him and he grimaced.

"Meh, she came from a wealthy family and went to a private school. For college I would guess Stanford or Yale. Then, let's see, she has two siblings, both older than her. She goes surfing or sailing when she has time. I think she likes dogs but she doesn't have one. She lives alone and she really loved the victim. But she has something to hide. I don't think she killed him, but there's a small possibility," he stated in one breath.

For a moment I was speechless. Then I narrowed my eyebrows and pursed my lips.

"You just made that up, didn't you?" I asked and he fought hard with a smirk that at last spread on his face.

"Not all of it..." he shrugged innocently.

"Sure, and which parts are not just the figments of your over-creative imagination?" I asked in a sarcastic tone.

"Lisbon, Lisbon! You make it sound so bad..." he pretended to be hurt. When I stared at him, he must have seen that I was starting to get angry, so he surrendered. "Okay, she is rich, she has older siblings and she did show guilt. And she loved Boyton..."

He seemed sincere now, so I let him be. I stood up from his couch and went to check on Rigsby and the wife.

My office was empty and there was a note from the agent on my desk, saying that she answered all the questions and that he sent the woman home.

I sighed and walked to the elevator. I hit the roof button because I wanted to drink a coffee at the rooftop café. When I arrived, I saw some of my colleagues but none from my team.

When I bought my coffee I sat at one of the tables near the edge of the roof, where I could see the city. I drank slowly, taking pleasure in every sip that went down, making me feel comfortable and warm. The sun was going down, the shadows were getting longer on the ground.

I wondered about the case. Where we should start, who should we talk to...

I decided to consider it all tomorrow unless a lead came in tonight. I finished my coffee and looked at my phone. It was 6 PM and since I didn't have any messages I packed up my things and went home.

* * *

The next morning I was woken up by the frantic ringing of my cell phone. I reached out and searched for it on the nightstand blindly. When my hand bumped into something and knocked it to the floor, I opened my eyes with a groan. The ringing still hadn't stopped and I leaned towards the nightstand to grab the phone that was just out of reach. With a slight wince, I noticed that the object on the floor was a picture of my brothers that I kept there. As I answered the phone, I picked the photo up, checking that the frame wasn't broken.

"Lisbon!" I said into the phone and realized my voice sounded horrible. As quietly as I could, I cleared my throat.

"Hey Boss, we've got something!" I heard Rigsby's excited voice over the phone and I waited for him to continue. "Meet us at the crime scene! And Jane asked you to pick him up! If it's a problem we can just..." the man said but I interrupted him.

"No! Not a problem. I'll see you guys in half an hour!" I told him before I hung up.

I stretched on my bed and rubbed my eyes. My dizzy brain started to clear out as I got up and made my way to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, I closed the door of my apartment and got into my car.

I sent Jane a text saying that he better be ready because I didn't want to wait for him; then I drove to his building.

When he wasn't staying at the CBI attic, he slept in a motel. It seemed cheap and musty.

Luckily, Jane was already there, pacing the sidewalk lazily. He grinned at me when I pulled aside and got into the car.

"Good morning, Lisbon!" he greeted me cheerfully.

"Morning!" I nodded as I drove off in the direction of the club.

For minutes we were silent. Actually, it surprised me, and I was also a little worried that Jane was so quiet. I turned the corner and saw the black sedans parked at the curb. Cho was talking to an officer neabyr and as I stopped the SUV, he made his way to us.

Jane jumped out and instantly jogged towards the entrance. A flash of red hair appeared in the doorway that no doubt belonged to VanPelt.

"Morning, Boss!" Cho said and I sent him a smile as a greeting. "The uniforms caught a girl who apparently is a bartender at the club. She tried to get into the building even though it's closed down. VanPelt and Rigsby are in there with her now. She claims that she only wanted to get her coat because she left it there yesterday, but we didn't find any coat in the club..." he reported as we walked to the entrance too. He stopped to let me in first and I repressed a smirk.

"All right. Let's hope we can get something useful out of her!"

The agent nodded and left me alone to talk to Rigsby. I looked around the club to find the girl.

Little round tables were near the wall on my right and a counter with bar stools was on my left. There was place to dance in the middle, and a small, wooden stage in front of the entrance. There were also booths with red couches, probably for more intimate conversation.

I couldn't see Jane anywhere and with a sigh I silently hoped he wouldn't cause any trouble.

I made my way across the dance floor towards the door that was at the far corner. I supposed that the girl had to be in that room since I didn't see her in this one.

As soon as I entered the room, I was welcomed by VanPelt, who rushed to me from the small table where the stranger sat.

The girl was in her mid-twenties; she had brown shoulder-length hair and olive skin.

"Hi Boss, meet Monica Gomez! She's 22, and she works here every night as a bartender. She told us that she came back..." VanPelt started to explain, but I interrupted her.

"Thanks VanPelt, but Cho had already told me the situation!" I smiled at her and she blushed slightly.

"Right, then I guess she's all yours..." Grace said and walked out of the room.

"Good morning Miss Gomez. I'm Agent Lisbon with the CBI. I would like to ask you a couple of questions!" I sat down in front of the girl. Now I noticed that she had pretty chocolate brown eyes and her cheekbone were higher than most.

"I already answered their questions; I have nothing else to say," she stated and crossed her arms over her chest with a pout.

I pondered where Jane could be because with this girl I could have used his help. I was about to start asking her my questions anyways when the door opened again and my beaming blond consultant appeared.

"I'm so sorry Lisbon! I got a little occupied when I saw how many drinks there are on the menu. You are a waitress, right?" he asked from the girl. She just stared at him so he turned to me. "Is she a waitress? Do you think she could show me some of those cocktails?" he asked and I rolled my eyes.

"She is a bartender. Monica, this is Patrick Jane, consultant of the CBI. Now, would you please tell me why you came back when the scene was already closed?"

"I came back for my jacket! When the cops came in after they found Mr Boyton, I got scared and left immediately. Then, when the place cleared out I decided to come back for it because my boss told us that he doesn't know when the bar'll start running again," she said in a quiet, even tone as if she had said this many times before. Or as if she had practiced this words.

"Come on Monica, you and I both know that you didn't leave your jacket here..." Jane said and the girl's eyes snapped up to him. "You were scared; that part is true! Why were you scared?" he continued, and I decided to let him.

"I...I saw Martin talking to a man. They fought, then Martin left through the back door," she muttered and I listened carefully. I tried not to react when she mentioned the victim, mostly when she talked about him as Martin. That meant she had known him.

"Were you having an affair with him?" Jane asked as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"What? No, of course not!" the girl shook her head and her voice cracked."He was my father!"

**What do you think? Good? Bad?  
I hope you liked it and I really hope this little time jump didn't disappoint anybody… I just thought it might be fun! ;) *evil laugh*  
Please tell me what you think, review! I'm interested in all of your opinions! You know how they make my day brighter! :)  
Thank you all so much for reading!  
Next chapter will be up just like this one! If everything goes as planned, in a week! ;)  
Until then, xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone, here is the new chapter! This is now the corrected verison, an enormous thanks goes to ****_MarvelDC superhero _****_fan_****!  
I want to thank everyone who has been reading this story and a huge huge thanks goes out to everyone who takes the time to review! It makes me so incredibly happy, you really are the best! I'm truly grateful to have you guys... And though I always check the stats and I see that a lot of you read it and I feel so honored and blessed... but if you guys could leave a review too, you know just one or two words to let me know what you think! I'm so worried that you don't review because you don't like it. I'm sorry, I know I'm sort of crazy, but that's who I am... And also, I would like to know if you don't like it, so I can improve...:) Anyways, please leave me a short (or long) review, it would certainly make my day!****  
****Okay, enough of babbling! I hope you don't mind me pouring out my heart here and that you will like this chapter!**

_Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor this wonderful show!_

I blinked a few times and took a breath to calm my racing mind. A sudden wave of surprise hit me and I was on the edge of jumping up and yelling 'What the hell?' Then I thought about it again and realized that it was possible. This girl was 22 and Boyton had been 45.

"Christina didn't mention a child..." I murmured to Jane.

"Who's Christina?" Monica asked.

"Whoa, a wife, a fiancée, and a daughter from a third woman! Man, this guy knew something..." Jane exclaimed and his voice, besides being overly amused, seemed quite impressed.

"How is it that we didn't find anything about you in his life?" I asked the girl.

"We just reunited, you know. He and my mom dated when they were younger, but he went to college and never found out about me. Then, about a month ago I got a job in this bar. When he saw me he started asking about my family, and eventually he realized that he was my father. I just wished we had more time..." she sighed.

"Why did you call him Martin, then?" Jane asked.

"Because he asked me to. I guess it was because of his wife. He didn't want anybody to find out about me..." Monica muttered. She looked down on her laced fingers on the table and I could hear that she was sad and felt a bit hurt.

"You said he was arguing with a man, right?" I reminded her of her previous statement.

"Yes, he wasn't anyone I knew. Martin was a regular here, even when I arrived here the other bartenders knew him by first name. They all adored him, and he gave huge tips. He never had a fight or at least not since I worked here..." she paused for a second and her eyes were hazy; I could see she was off somewhere else. So I waited for her to continue. "So last night, I was surprised to see that he was yelling. When he left, I sneaked out after him, just to make sure that he was okay. That's when..." her voice died away and she sniffled "that's when I saw him, just laying there, covered in blood. I was so scared! Horrified! I ran away and didn't come back until now..." she finished and looked up at me. There were tears sparkling in her eyes and I saw that she was honest.

"Why come back now?" Jane broke the silence.  
The girl broke eye contact with me and she turned her gaze to Jane. She rubbed her nose and squeezed her eyes shut before talking.

"I wanted to check the receipts and the records...To find out who the man was. I've seen him around before a few times and I thought I could find him somehow," she forced out between her teeth.

"You think he killed Martin," I stated rather than asked.

"Of course! He was shouting things like 'You have no excuse, right?' and 'Tell me why shouldn't I just shoot you?'. And he looked cruel, merciless. Completely evil! I saw that creepy glow in his eyes as he stormed out. I tell you, he had to be the one who killed Martin!" she said passionately. Her tears disappeared and I saw a desperate kind of determination in her brown eyes.

"All right Monica; thank you!" I told her with a smile and stood up to leave. But Jane didn't move.

"What did he drink?" he inquired.

"Excuse me?" the girl asked back with a confused look on her face.

"The man, what did he drink? People usually drink something in bars, and you said you had seen him before. So he must have drank something...What was it?"  
Monica furrowed her eyebrows as she thought.

"I don't know..." she murmured but I could see that she was still thinking about it so I waited. "I don't think it was something special, because I would remember that. I'm sorry. I don't know!" She shook her head. There was something in her eyes that gave me a strange feeling into my stomach, but I didn't know why I felt like that.

"Of course you know!" Jane told Monica and the girl's eyes widened. "You came back to check the receipts. Don't you remember?" he reminded her and she looked away. So, the strange feeling was because she was lying...

"Please Monica, tell us the truth! We want to catch your father's killer! Don't you want to help?" I stepped back to the table and put my hands on it. I searched her eyes and when she finally looked at me I gave her a reassuring nod.

"He drank a _Bloody Bull_," she admitted with a sigh.

"Are you sure?" Jane asked and I almost hit him. How could he be so insensitive?

"Yes! I remember because that was the first time I had to make that drink. I screwed it up and had to start over..." she told him a little impatiently. Not that I could blame her.

"Superb! Thank you for your help!" Jane flashed a brilliant grin at her and winking at me he left the room.  
I also said goodbye to Monica and hurried out after Jane. I could only guess that he had a plan and I was already afraid.

* * *

"I was about to say that it was the wife, but now I can't be sure..." Jane huffed as soon as we got into the car. He pursed his lips together in annoyance and stared out of the window. "Quite displeasing," he added.

I snorted and refused to say anything in response.

"You can be sarcastic Lisbon, but in my opinion if somebody who was murdered had a wife and a fiancée, the chances are high that one of the women killed the guy. In this case, the obvious solution would be that the wife found out about the affair and followed Boyton to his usual bar, where she killed him out of jealousy. Such a an understandable reason..." he said in a condescending tone.

"Because revenge is much better!" I quipped and Jane pretended to be really hurt. Though I had to notice that he stayed quiet after this.

When we arrived at the office he got out of the car without a word and started for the elevator. I decided that it was enough; his silence made me concerned and guilty. And a little alarmed. Silence didn't mean anything good if it was Patrick Jane. Maybe I went a little too far...

"Jane! Hey, wait! Okay, that was a cheap shot. I'm sorry!" I ran after him in the garage and when I caught up with him I reached out and touched his arm. He stopped and looked at me. His eyes held deep sadness and guilt and I regretted all that I said in the car.

"Do you have a cocktail dress?" he asked me out of the blue. When I looked really carefully, under the grief in his eyes there was the sparkle of a new plan.

"What?" I snapped, completely confused as we stepped into the elevator. "Why would I need a dress, Jane?" I put my hands on my hips.

"So you don't have one!" he nodded calmly. "Then you have to go and buy one. No, wait, buy two! Just in case..." he told me.

"Why would I do that?" I asked with my hands defensively crossed over my chest.

"Well, my dear, I suppose you don't want me to buy you those dresses. So that means you have to do it yourself!" he pointed out "Maybe you could ask Grace to join you; I'm sure she would be more than willing to help!" he grinned, rather satisfied with himself. This made me want to smack him.

"Yeah, but I still don't know why I need a dress," I reminded him after I took a breath to cool my nerves. Maybe those anger management classes wouldn't be so bad after all. With Jane, I might use what I learned.

We walked out of the elevator and I took off in the direction of my office. He followed me like a puppy and I repressed a smirk.

"Because, Lisbon, we are going to do a little role-play!" he announced excitedly.

I stopped, halfway in the door and he bumped into me.

"What?" I asked, my voice already higher than usual. The anger started to spread through my body and I fisted my hands at my sides.

"Role-play, undercover work...Call it what you want! But you'll need a cocktail dress..." Jane stepped around me, sauntered to the couch in my office, and plopped down, making himself comfortable.

"Why? And more importantly, why me?" I asked in an agonized tone.

"Lisbon, Lisbon, Lisbon..." he laughed at me like I was the one suggesting the most dumb idea on Earth.

"Jane, Jane, Jane!" I mimicked his patiently mocking voice as I walked behind my desk. I sat down and fixed him with a glare that I hoped would tell him what I thought about his plan.

"Look Lisbon, the situation is like this: my plan needs a man and a woman. There is no way Cho would do it, and the Rigsby-VanPelt duo is not at their best nowadays. You and Rigsby are too different and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't let Grace do anything dangerous alone with me. So, that leaves you and me.

Besides, I miss seeing you in a dress, my dear!" he finished with a charming grin. I rolled my eyes, but had to admit his reasoning was quite impressive. As much as I hated him for it, he was right.

"Oh, and we are much more comfortable with each other than other members of the team!" he said and I grimaced. Though I wasn't sure he saw it since he was standing up.

"That's not true..." I protested but he was already on his way out of my office.

"Ask VanPelt about the shopping! Sooner is better!" he called back from the corridor.

I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. I still didn't know his plan, but I was already sure I was going to regret it.

* * *

"Hey Boss, Jane said that you have to go shopping for a cocktail dress and that you need my help." VanPelt popped her head in my office with a warm smile gracing her features, and as much as I liked her I couldn't help but think 'Jane, I'm so going to kill you!'

"VanPelt! Hi! Yes, actually, it seems like I will need a dress, though I still don't have any clue why..." I only murmured the last part, barely audible even tom me.

"So, when do you want to go?" the redhead asked.

"Oh Grace, thanks, really! But you don't need to...I'm sure you have plenty of better things to do!" I tried to smile and decline her kind offer nicely, in the least hurtful way, but it felt difficult when actually I was anything but happy. I wanted to kill Jane for his unknown plan and for forcing me into it.

"No, I'd be happy to go with you! You'll see! It's going to be fun! Just tell me when. I don't have much to do this week..." VanPelt said and before I could say anything she was gone.

"God Jane, what have you gotten me into?" I growled as I finished filing a document and I dropped it on the top of the pile growing at my right hand.

Two hours later I put my pen down and stretched in my seat. My back was killing me, but I wanted to do this shopping today. I found VanPelt in the bullpen and she agreed immediately. So in half an hour, we were entering a shopping centre and I wished I have never even met Patrick Jane.

"What kind of dress do you want?" VanPelt asked and I resisted rolling my eyes at her.

"I don't know Grace; anything would do, I guess... I still haven't found out what Jane's plan is." I scowled at the thought but pushed it aside for a moment.

I followed VanPelt into a fancy shop, full of shiny things and lights. I ran my eyes over the hundreds of pink and purple dresses and decided that this wasn't my kind of store. When I informed the keyed up VanPelt of this, her smile didn't fade a bit, she just grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the shop, into the crowd of squealing, flustered women running around in the mall.

At last, we ended up in a much smaller and more silent shop. It was classy and sort of moderate. The faint smell of lavender and vanilla flowed in the room deliciously. Soft, classical music was playing in the radio, and it was a blessing to my ears after the loud, earsplitting sound of current top hits.

I was dumbfounded for a bit before Grace nudged me forward inside the shop. I wandered slowly between the aisles, more and more dress coming into my vision. I reached out and traced the silky material of them and an involuntary sigh escaped my mouth. As much as I tried to hide and deny it, deep down I was a woman who loved pretty dresses.

"What do you think?" VanPelt's amazed voice sounded from my left. I turned my head in that direction and saw her standing a few feet away, with a gorgeous white dress in her hands.

"That's really nice Grace..." I admitted " but I don't think a white dress would be good. I don't want to look like a bride!"

"Yeah, you're right!" she nodded and with a hint of disappointment in her smile she put it back.

I turned back to the dresses and a dark blue flash caught my eye. I stepped closer and pulled out a beautiful cocktail dress. It was spaghetti strapped and approximately knee length. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. It was glossy and perfect...

"Grace!" I called out and her head appeared over a shelf. "I'm going to try on a dress!" I told her clutching the precious attire in my hands.

"Okay, just tell me when you're ready. I want to see it!" she grinned at me and I nodded.

I walked to the small changing room and stepped inside. There was a full length mirror on one wall and two hooks on the other side. I started to put on the dress carefully, almost afraid to touch it.

"Oh..." I let out a high pitched sigh of surprise. It looked so fantastic, even on me. My hands automatically slid down on the muslin and settled on my hips. I blinked at my reflection a few times before a small, but persistent smile took over my features.

"Boss? You here?" I heard VanPelt's familiar voice.

"Yeah, in here..." I knocked on the inside of the door to let her know which dressing room I was in.

"Ok, you tried the dress on?" her voice came directly from the door.

"Yes!" I said and I adjusted the dress more on myself before turning my back to the mirror and reaching for the lock on the door.

"How is it?" Grace asked but instead of answering I opened the door. "Oooh, Lisbon!" her squeal was almost frightening. "You look glamorous!" she said with a huge smile. Her honest compliment made my heart swell.

"Thank you!" I smiled back at her shyly and felt the heat of a blush creep up my neck.

"I think we have a winner..." she looked at the dress approvingly.

"Yeah, one of the winners," I corrected her and VanPelt quirked a curious eyebrow at me. "Jane told me to buy two dresses. As he put it, 'just in case,'" I explained, signaling the quotes in the air with my fingers.

"Great! Then, let's go and find another one!" the redhead exclaimed, her voice full of joy.

"Mhmm" I just hummed with a resigned shrug. I supposed I didn't have any other choice.

After I changed back into my street clothes, we continued to explore the shop for another dress. We found some that were pretty, but too long to be called cocktail dress. Then, there were ones which had a nice color, but that was it it. Finally, after half an hour of useless searching without any result, VanPelt emerged from behind a rack of dresses with two hangers in her hand.

"We can finish the hunt!" she said in a satisfied tone as she handed me the two dresses. "One of these will have to be good! I can already see them on you; they will look lovely!" she led me towards the fitting rooms.

I closed the door and examined the dresses she brought. One of them was a beige muslin, knee length and strapless. I tried it on, but it wasn't my style. It looked like a sack on me.

I turned to the other one hopelessly. I admitted it looked truly wonderful. I hoped it would fit me. I really wanted it! It was deep red and quite short, strapless and tight. When I put it on it was smooth and it hugged me perfectly.

"This is the one!" I muttered with a grin and took it off. I grabbed my bag and the two dresses we chose. "VanPelt!" I called out for my agent as I exited the changing room and started for the cashier to pay.

"You changed back?" I heard her disappointed voice beside me. "I would've liked to see you in the..."

"Sorry, Grace, maybe another time!" I smirked as I put the dresses on the counter.

After I payed VanPelt convinced me that we both deserved a huge amount of ice cream for our efforts, and I was more than happy to agree. So we sat down and ordered coffees and ice creams at one of the cafés of the mall.

**All right, that was it! I really hope you liked it and that after my endless confession at the beggining you will know how much it means to me to read your opinion! So, pretty pretty please write a review, your thoughts are my inspiration! :)****  
****Thank you all for reading and reviewing! You bright up my day!****  
****I'll try to upload the next chapter soon! :)****  
****Until then, xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys, here is the new chapter! Thank you all so much for reading and thanks to those of you who had reviewed! Your words make me incredibly happy! :)  
I really hope you will like this chapter!  
Oh, and to those who read this story because of the angst in the first chapter, don't worry… We will get there! Oh, we will…;) I just wanted to wirte some fun, fluffy, happy things first!  
A giant thanks belongs to _MarvelDC superhero fan _for beta reading!**

_Disclaimer: I wish I could own it, but it's not mine…_

The next morning, I stepped out of the elevator with both hands full of stuff. In my right, I had the a nice pile of paperwork and my coffee. And in the other, I had the dresses we bought yesterday. The plastic bag was surprisingly heavy for two cocktail dress.  
I made it to my office before anything fell down and released a relieved sigh.

"Wonderful day, isn't it Lisbon?" came the voice of Jane from the door. I could imagine his oversized grin on his face as he spoke. "How are you today?"

It was tempting to say 'Ready to shoot you' but I decided against it. Maybe I could be a little more optimistic. Maybe Jane won't drive me crazy today...

"Fine thanks! Care to tell me that plan of yours?" I asked while I carefully put the plastic bag on me desk and turned to face him.

"Sure, I heard you had a pretty good time with Grace yesterday!" he sat down on my couch and smiled at me.

"Yes, and we bought the two dresses, just as you asked," I rolled my eyes and sat on the edge of my desk. "So, your plan?"

"Right, you and I are going to go to that club and do a little undercover work. We need to find that guy who was fighting with Boyton. I told Rigsby to call the owner of the bar and tell him that they can re-open. We should wait a day and start tommorow. I hope we can find him instantly, but we may need more time... Once we find him, we need to get a confession out of him and that's it," he shrugged like it was so easy.

"Jane, you know I don't think this is a good idea.." I started. "We should simply search his name back in the payments, and send a unit out to arrest him," I said and he looked at me incredulously.

"Lisbon, do you really think he would tell us the story if we question him in here? From what Monica said, he's not a piece of cake. He must be a tough guy, Lisbon. It would be so much easier to get him talk when he has some alcohol in him and he's in a familiar place. We give him an opportunity to boast about it and he'll tell us everything!" Jane argued, and I had to agree with him.

"Jane... You know how I feel about these plans..." I said in a pained tone.

"Believe me, this will work! Now, show me those dresses!" he stood up and came closer.

"Oh, no! No way, you have to wait until tomorrow!" I let out a wicked chuckle and his eyes widened in shock.

"What? Lisbon, that's not fair!" he whined.

"Life's not fair; deal with it!" I shrugged and he made a face.

He turned on his heels and walked out, heading to the kitchen. I followed, but I went to the bullpen to ask Cho about the victim's financials.

* * *

That afternoon I was waiting for a phone call from the lab. We sent down Boyton's cell and they promised the results for today.

So, when the telephone on my desk rang, I answered it, thinking it must be one of the technics.

"Lisbon!" I said while I closed a document on my computer.

"Agent Lisbon, this is Dr. Mike Steel from the morgue. I would like you to come here as soon as possible. It's about the case of Martin Boyton." I heard the deep voice of a man from the phone.

"All right, I can be there in 10 minutes." I offered and tried to hide my surprise. It was quite rare that we were called to the morgue.

"Thank you! And Agent Lisbon? You shouldn't come with Jane!" the man said before hanging up.

I sat in my chair for a minute in stunned silence. Why on Earth shouldn't I bring Jane with me? Actually, I wasn't even planning to bring him, since I was still mad at him for the whole undercover thing. But this warning made me rather uneasy.

I went out into the bullpen and saw my team. Apart from Jane, who was taking a nap on his couch, everyone was working.  
I stepped to Cho's desk and leaned down.

"Hey Cho? Can I ask you to come to the morgue with me?" I said in a lowered voice, so only he could hear it.

"Sure; why?" he whispered back. I saw that both Risgby and VanPelt noticed the conversation but none of them said a word.

"I'll tell you in the car! Let's go!" I told Cho and without further questioning he nodded and followed me to the garage.

As we got into the car I could feel his expectant eyes on me and without turning to him, I took a breath.

"An M.E. called from the morgue about Boyton. He asked me to go and told me not to bring Jane. I thought it was weird." I didn't want to tell him that I was a bit afraid to go alone, and that's why I asked him to come with me. But it wasn't necessary. Cho understood without saying.

We rode in silence until we got to the morgue. It wasn't a long trip and being quiet next to Cho wasn't awkward at all. Interesting how he had an aura of calmness and stability.

When we arrived, he walked beside me wordlessly and even as we searched the door number 23 inside to find Dr. Steel, he never said anything.

"Agent Lisbon! Thank you for coming, I have a feeling this will interest you..." the M.E. greeted us.

"Dr. Steel, this is my colleague Agent Cho!" I introduced him and Cho nodded professionally. "Can I ask why did you call me down here?"

"Yes, I was examining your latest victim, Martin Boyton," he started and motioned to the table in the middle of the room, with the corpse of Boyton on it. "I didn't find anything unusual at first sight. Then, I turned him over. You know we always have to write down every little bit of information about the body before the actual autopsy and that's when I noticed it..." Dr. Steel explained as we stepped closer to the table. The M.E. put on plastic gloves and grabbed the dead man's shoulder. He lifted Boyton up enough to let me see his left scapula.

I couldn't really make out the small tattoo on his back, so I leaned closer and focused my eyes on the red figure.

When I realized what it was, I gasped and my head was spinning.

"Oh my God!" I murmured and Cho stepped forward to see it too. As soon as he straightened up, he searched my eyes and I could see the unspoken questions that were swirling in my head too.

It was, without doubt a little, red smiling face. A symbol we both knew too well. A symbol that caused so much heartbreak already. A symbol that only meant pain.

The sign of Red John.

* * *

"So, what are we going to do now, Boss?" Cho asked as we walked out of the building and headed for the SUV in the parking lot. I asked Dr. Steel to keep the information classified until we found out what it meant.

"I don't know, Cho. I know it's a lot to ask, but please don't tell the others yet. Jane would go nuts if he found out this case is related to Red John in any way."

"Sure; as you want, Boss," he nodded without protesting. I really appreciated his behavior, the fact that he trusted my judgement.

"Just until I make some sense out of it," I promised as we sat into the car.

The rest of the journey was spent again in silence, and this time I was even relieved that I could think.  
Red John? What the hell? I couldn't believe we were again in this situation, in this endless, dark hole! I just wished I didn't have to tell Jane at all. He would get all grim and self-accusatory. No matter how much trouble he caused me, I still hated to see him hurt.

When we got to the CBI, I thanked Cho and went into my office. I locked the door and sat at my desk. My head started to ache and I knew I had to tell the others about the tattoo, probably soon. God, I hated to lie!

I didn't notice how quickly the time passed, and when VanPelt knocked on my door I jumped in bewilderment. I looked at my watch automatically and a silent curse left my lips as I realized that I was sitting in there for more than an hour. All that time, my thoughts were running around in my brain and I wasn't able to come up with a suitable solution.

"Come in!" I called out and the redhead appeared with a smile and a mug in her right hand.

"Hi Boss. I brought you coffee." she held up the mug and I waved her closer "Is everything all right?" she asked and she eyed me carefully while she put the beverage in front of me.

"Sure, thanks VanPelt! How are we on Boyton's phone records?" I changed the subject.

She looked a bit confused for a second then composed herself and opened the folder in her hand.

"Good, actually! We found a couple of suspicious looking calls from different burner phones. There are many calls from this month and the previous but the interesting thing is, the numbers change from time to time. You see, it's like a pattern, every other day or every third day. Like someone didn't want to leave a clue. Somebody called him twice from the same number the day he died. Rigsby is trying to track these down, but after that we'll check out the other calls too!" she said and she put a paper full of numbers on my desk.

"Thank you; that's wonderful!" I mumbled and I knew I sounded distracted but in that moment I couldn't do anything about it. I forced out a smile before I sipped the coffee. VanPelt glanced at me again before she turned and left.

The hot drink burned my throat but I welcomed it with a slight groan. I mused about how good the coffee tasted and then I let my mind wonder about more unimportant things. I remembered that I really had to do my laundry, then I made a mental note to call my brother about his birthday. Just some stuff that kept my mind off the Red John thing.

Unfortunately, it didn't last for a long time. With a sigh I put my mug down and reached for the phone records of the late Martin Boyton. I had a worrying suspicion that these odd phone calls were connected to Red John. I didn't want my agents to find out about it before I told them, but it was clear that I couldn't stop them from investigating. That would be way out of line…

With a sigh I pushed myself up from my chair and I turned to the bullpen. I had to tell them. I knew what it would cause. Jane would frown, turn into himself, close up and be all dark again. He would get all worked up about catching Red John, he would be obsessed with the serial killer. He would immerse himself in his grief and guilt about his past. Again.

That was the main reason I wanted to keep this a secret for a little bit. He seemed kind of happy now. He was in his element, all playful and cheeky about this case. A victim with a wife and a fiancée and a daughter from another woman. It was the best case ever, for him. I could see how the wheels turned in his head when we were questioning Monica. And later in the car.

Okay, that wasn't entirely true. I didn't see the whole undercover plan coming, but I knew he had some plan.

This news about Red John would break him. And I didn't want to break him. I hated that he played me all the time, I hated that he made plans without being thoughtful of other people, but he was my friend. Most likely my best friend right now and friends don't do that. Friends don't break each other, they don't push each other into misery.

When I got to the main area of our floor, I saw my team around the big conference table. I stopped in my tracks to take in the sight. They were all leaning above the table where a huge pizza was cut into pieces. Rigsby had a wide grin on his face, one that made me want to smile too no matter what was troubling me. Across him sat Jane with his megawatt smile on his face and it made my heart warm, and I realized I was unable to tell him right then. He looked way too joyful to ruin it. VanPelt was handing out plates and cheerfully chatting with the guys.

Cho was a bit separated from them at the far end of the table. I walked closer and sat in the chair next to him. He looked at me and I saw that he was just as down and listless as I was. He offered a sympathetic pucker of his lips and I smiled at him sadly.

"Oh, Lisbon! How nice of you to join us!" I heard Jane's voice and I broke eye contact with Cho.

"Jane!" VanPelt chided him and she gave me a piece of pizza with a smile. "I'm glad you came out Boss!"

I accepted the food but I felt a sting of nausea as I remembered on that small red tattoo.

All evening, I walked around with this uncomfortable, twisted feeling deep in my stomach and nothing I did made it better. It didn't ease even when I got home.

I snuggled into the pillows on my couch in front of the TV and changed the channels until I found some comedy to take my mind off this mess.

I drifted off to sleep somewhere around the second commercial break in the movie and woke up in the middle of the night. Sweaty, hot and wound up from a nightmare, I reached for the remote and turned off the TV. Then I pushed myself up into a sitting position and ran my fingers through my disheveled hair. I tried to look around in the dark room and I stood up. I bumped into the end of the couch and yelped. My voice seemed to echo in the cold silence.

I shivered from the chilly air as I went towards my room. On the nightstand my clock showed 1:41 A.M.

I lay into bed and pulled my blanket up to my neck. For a minute, I listened to the sounds of the night. I was never afraid of the dark and never once worried about someone breaking into my home. I slept with a gun, for God's sake...

But in the late night silence, where nothing moved and everything seemed so unreal one single image flowed into my mind and it creeped me out. The small, red smiling face.

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced my mind to think about something else. Something happy. Anything but that...

I pushed my face into my pillow and I inhaled slowly, trying to calm my racing heartbeat and breathing.

Unsuccessfully.

I tossed and turned for another half an hour until I felt as if a train hit me. I rubbed my eyes and turned on my back.

"Damn!" I muttered and crawled out of bed. I searched for the light switch on the wall but somehow I couldn't find it. I gave up and wandered out to the kitchen in darkness.

With a grumpy face, I put the kettle on and slumped down into a chair. I rested my head in my hands until I heard the sound of boiling water.

I thought about doing my laundry then chased the idea away instantly. I had to get up at 7, and go to work. And I hated to work when I couldn't get decent amount of sleep. And tomorrow would be even worse, I realized as the whole undercover thing came into my mind.

I prepared a tea, all the while thinking about tomorrow. Or to be precise, later today, since it was after midnight...

After the tea I went back to my room. I felt wasted, and luckily, this time the moment my head hit the pillow I was out for good.

**So, this was it! What do you think? It was quite a turn I suppose… I just thought this would be interesting! :)  
I really hope you liked it, and please please review! Just a few words to let me know your opinion! It would truly mean the world to me! :) I try to answer all the reviews, or at least the ones you write while you are signed in… Though I really appreciate anonymus reviews too! Anyways, every review is an inspiration for me! :)  
Also, thank you for reading this story, I'm grateful to have every single one of you guys!  
I'll try to upload next chapter soon! :)  
Until then, xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for reading, and for the many reviews I received for last chapter! You guys are amazing! Every single word you wrote made my heart melt… You are truly a blessing! :) I tried to answer all of you, and here I would like to say thank you again, and also a massive thanks to those who reviewed anonymously…:) I really appreciate all of you, you are the best audience a writer can hope for!  
Now, a super huge thanks belongs to _MarvelDC superhero fan_ for beta reading this story!  
I have to say, that while I was writing this chapter I realized that in the second chapter I wrote '3 days ago' and as I did a little counting I had to find out that I was kind of running out of time, so that is why the events in this chapter happen now and not later… Also I didn't want to stretch it too long, so…:)  
And finally, here is the new chapter! I hope you will like it… ;)**

_Disclaimer: I think I don't have to tell how much I wish this show was mine…Yet, still I have to say nothing is mine…_

"Come on Lisbon! Don't tell me you're not at least a bit giddy about the chance to dress up and do something really fun!" Jane's excited voice sounded behind me and I pursed my lips together to keep from a sharp remark.

It was late afternoon and my mood hasn't changed. I still haven't told anybody about the Red John tattoo and thanks to all the sleepless hours last night, I was feeling extremely snappy. I already yelled at Jane because he was singing, or more like humming, to himself all morning.

"Jane, it's not fun. It's work! And I wish you wouldn't act so..." I told him after a few seconds. With coffee in my hands, I turned and stepping around Jane, I made my way to the bullpen.

It occurred to me sometime today that probably the whole undercover thing was useless, and I could have avoided it if I told the team about the tattoo. It was a waste of our time, and we should have concentrated on Red John. But I couldn't bring myself to tell Jane.

"VanPelt, did you call the club owner?" I asked as I stepped next to her desk.

"Yes Boss! He said they re-opened, and that he doesn't mind the operation we plan in his bar."

"Rigsby, phone records?" I turned to the tall agent.

"I managed to track the last two calls down. It was a burner phone; someone bought it that day and these are the only calls they made. The first call lasted one minute and thirty-five seconds. And the second was less than thirty seconds. But sadly, that's all I can tell..." he shook his head disappointedly.

"Thanks Risgby! All right, tonight we'll go with separate cars. I'll go with Jane and you take the SUV. You should stay outside unless I call you, just watch the exits," I told them and they all nodded in agreement. I saw the glint in Jane's eyes, but he didn't comment. I hated his car but in this situation it was the only reasonable way to go.

Since there was nothing else we could do at this part of the investigation, we just hung out at the bullpen until it was time to go. The guys played cards and VanPelt asked for permission to go home for a little bit. I let her go and told her to stay at home. She wanted to come back, but I convinced her that if we caught the guy Cho and Rigsby would be more than enough help to get him back to the CBI. At last, VanPelt said goodnight and wished us luck, then went home.

I sat down on Jane's couch and stared at nothing. I heard the sounds of their game, but I didn't feel like participating.

I decided that tomorrow I'd tell everyone about the tattoo. I persuaded myself that this undercover work wasn't totally useless, since Boyton did have an argument with a man just before he died. Maybe this mysterious man knew something about Boyton's connection to Red John.

With a slight wince, I remembered the dresses tucked deep in that bag in my office. Yes, they were both gorgeous and frankly, I couldn't wait to wear them. Only, the occasion could have been different.

Maybe I could use them for a date. Not with Jane, of course! All right, maybe with Jane… Not that I would ever go on a date with him, no. I growled in frustration and cursed myself for thinking like that.

The guys cheered loudly and it startled me out of my reverie. I glanced at them and saw how Cho pulled all the chips they used for bids towards himself. Rigsby clapped with a grin on his face and Jane, also smiling, swayed his head in disbelief.

I pushed myself up from the couch and sneaked out of the bullpen without anyone noticing it. I walked to my office and sipped my now cold coffee. I wrinkled my nose at the taste of it and as soon as I got there I put the mug on the desk. I bent down and pulled out the plastic bag from under the table. Plopping down into my chair, I opened the bag and examined the dresses. I pondered for a moment and decided that tonight I'd to wear the red one.

With one last look at the other one, I grabbed the red dress and made a run for the bathroom. I knew that the guys and I were probably the last ones left in the whole building, and that they were going to see me in that dress anyway, but still I didn't want anyone stopping me with the cocktail dress in my hands. I shut the door of the ladies' room after me and locked it, just in case…

I stared at myself for a moment in the mirror above the sink. There were dark shadows under my eyes and I touched my skin with the tips of my fingers. I could feel the bit of makeup I applied in the morning getting all smeared. I was glad I put the beauty case into my bag too.

I undressed and, being especially careful with the material, I slipped into the silky dress. I breathed airily when I at last pulled the zipper up and even a small smile appeared on my face when I brought my eyes up to check my reflection.

It looks fine… I allowed myself to think and almost shrugged even though I knew nobody could see it. I leaned over the sink slowly and opened the tap. The water flowed, giving a gurgling sound. Sort of noisy in the empty bathroom. I felt the dress getting a little tight at the back from the way I was doubled over the sink and I realized I should have washed my face before I put the dress on.

I squeezed my eyes and splashed a few handful of cool water on my face. Then I reached for the beauty case and quickly refreshed my makeup. I used just a bit more than I usually did for work. Just a touch of mascara, and a light layer of eye shadow. Lastly, I put on some lip gloss and blinked at myself.

"All right…" I murmured and put everything back in my bag. I drew in a long breath and took a minute to calm my quickly beating heart.

After getting as ready as I could be, I went back to my office and searched for the clutch I brought with me. It was supposed to be somewhere in my bag, but I had a really hard time finding it. I was into my bag up to my elbow when a soft knock sounded at the door. I looked up to find Cho watching me with an interested expression.

"Boss, it's time to go; you ready?" he asked.

"Yeah, just a second!" I replied and with a victorious grin I pulled the clutch out of my bag. Cho went back to the bullpen and I stuffed my phone, my gun and my badge into the clutch in a hurry. Just the most important things...

While I rounded my desk and walked out, I tried to close the purse. It happened to be a difficult task since my gun couldn't fit in, no matter how hard I tried. I turned it upside down and luckily I managed to close the clutch. It bulged a little, but not too much! I left it that way because I knew I should be glad it even fit in there.

The boys were waiting for me in the bullpen. Jane was entertaining the other two with some stupid anecdote. He was the first one to notice me and his reaction was certainly more than worth my efforts.

His blue eyes became wide like saucers and he visibly gaped. Though he quickly masked it, I caught his expression and I felt a smirk spread on my face.

"L-Lisbon, wow..." he stuttered and he took a step towards me. His eyes skated over me, and it suddenly became very heated in the room. I blushed deeply and wished he wouldn't stare. "You look...wow...!" he did an involuntary move with his arms, something like a shrug but not quite one.

"Boss, you look great!" Rigsby helped him out and I heard a hint of a chuckle in his voice.

"I agree!" Cho nodded.

"Thanks guys!" I smiled at them and somehow I felt like the greatest part was Jane's face. "We should go..." I suggested and I smoothed my dress down.

Cho and Rigsby led the way down to the garage and while they got into the SUV, Jane and I walked to his old, blue car and drove off. We discussed it earlier that they would wait a few minutes and only park the SUV in front of the bar when we were inside.

Once we were on the road, I saw Jane's head turn slightly in my direction. I was about to snap at him for not watching the road but there was something weird about him being all quiet. He fixed his eyes in front of him then, and I looked out the window too. It was dark around us and all I could see were the neon lights above the bars and shops everywhere. Sometimes I saw groups of people under streetlights or entering clubs.

"You really look stunning!" Jane murmured in a barely audible voice. If it wasn't so dead silent in the car I would have probably missed it. I felt another wave of blushing creep up my cheeks and I was glad for the darkness around us.

"Thank you Jane!" I said in almost a whisper, and I found it remarkably difficult to keep my breathing even.

The car raced through the late night traffic and I opened the window a little to feel the cold breeze. The air whizzed in loudly through the narrow gap and I held my face closer to the glass to feel it.

It didn't take much time to get to the club and when Jane pulled over and parked the car I felt a little nervous again.

"Here we go!" Jane said with a grin and he jumped out of the car. I got out too and tugged the hem of my dress down. I felt awkward with him staring at me all the way to the entrance, and I did everything I could to avoid looking at him.

I flashed my badge and the security guard let us in without any question.

"Cho and Rigsby must be out there now..." I said to Jane in a low voice as we entered. The music blasted through the room, which was stuffed with people.

"Let's get drinks! What do you want?" he asked in return and I turned to him with a scowl.

"I'm here to work Jane. I'm not drinking!" I stated a little accusingly when I saw him take a step towards the bar.

"Of course, but since this is an undercover mission you have to in order to keep up our cover..." he noted and looked at me like that solved everything.

"Okay, um...Get me a..." I thought for a second only to realize I didn't know what cocktail I wanted. It was far too long since I've been in a bar. Hell, it had been too long since I've been out! I had to admit that I kind of didn't have a life. "Get me a martini!" I said at last. The only other drink that came to my mind was tequila, and I decided I didn't need Jane's mocking all night long. Nor the effects of a stronger drink like that...

"You're sure you don't want something more girly? Like Sex on the Beach or a margarita, maybe a Cosmo? I think that is some sort of pink cocktail, specifically for women, though I'm not entirely sure," Jane jabbers as I follow him to the counter where a young man is already busy mixing cocktails. On the barstools there are few women eyeing the bartender with amazed expressions.

"Whatever! I don't really care," I told Jane in a voice that made clear that I was in no mood for chitchatting.

"Okay, okay..." he muttered and stepped up to the bar. The man -or really, just a boy- turned to him with a grin, leaving the women at the other end of the counter alone. "Hello, I would like a Manhattan, and a martini for the lady!" Jane ordered and the bartender nodded, already reaching for the cocktail glasses.

While Jane was waiting for the drinks, I scanned the club for any violent looking men.

Amongst the men in elegant suits, just like the one Boyton was wearing, I saw quite a few women. I strained my eyes to see the far side of the dance floor too, which was a pretty difficult task because of the crowd of dancing people. It was weird to see since this club was nothing like the heated, dirty night clubs people went to party in. This club was courtly and sophisticated, definitely aplace for the wealthy. It was a bit like those 40's casinos where the head mobsters used to go with their current girlfriends.

A small smile passed over my face at the image, but my train of thought was interrupted by Jane's hand on my shoulder. I felt goosebumps appear on my arms and I hoped he didn't see them.

"Here you are!" he handed me my drink and despite being on duty, I instantly took an eager sip of it. He had his own cocktail too, and as he slowly turned towards the room he raised it to his lips.

I regarded him for a moment and found it sort of natural to see him in this environment. It was like he belonged there, with his three-piece-suit and the Manhattan in his hands. That was, until he turned back to me with an evil grin on his face...

"Well Lisbon, what do you say to a little dancing?" he asked and I peaked above his shoulder to see the dance floor. I searched for a man who could be our guy, but didn't see anybody.

"Why, you think he's there?" I questioned and Jane took another sip of his drink before he put the almost empty glass on the counter.

"Nah, I just want to dance..." he shrugged and I glared at him. I slipped up on a stool and placed my elbow on the cold glass of the counter.

"No" I said sternly and sipped my cocktail.

"Why not?" he pouted as he took the seat next to me. His legs brushed mine as he leaned and turned his stool away from the counter, and the fabric of his suit on my bare leg made me flushed. He didn't notice it though, as his eyes never left the crowd.

"Because I'm working! And you are supposed to work, too, so please act like..." I hissed so only he could hear it.

"That's the same reason you didn't want to drink, yet you are drinking... So, we could easily dance too!" he winked at me then returned to stare at the people.

I ignored him with a firm shake of my head.

Half an hour later, our drinks were long gone and we were still seated on the same stools. From time to time Jane turned his head back to me to say a few words. Pointing out a flirting couple, a ridiculous dress or just whining again about his unsatisfied desire to dance.

"Come on, Lisbon!" he tried for what it felt like the thousandth time. "While we're here, can't we have at least a little fun?"

"Jane, I don't want to dance," I told him as I followed a group of old men leaving the bar with my eyes.

"Yes you want to! You just don't want to admit it! You are aching to step on the dance floor and sway to the soft blues songs..." he murmured in my ear suggestively.

"No, that's you!" I chuckled but pulled back a little.

"Please, for me then! Just consider this as a date! You in your amazing dress and me being charming as always! Anyway, don't tell me you want to sit here in that dress all night! That's not why you bought it..."

"No, you're right. I bought it because you told me to..." I reminded him, avoiding to comment on the 'date' part, and he made a funny face.

"Lisbon! This dress deserves to be shown around!" he begged and I finally looked at him. He had those damn cute puppy eyes that I could never resist and I sighed.

"All right!" I gave in, and the way his eyes lit up made me feel like it was completely worth it.

"Wonderful!" he jumped off the stool and with a beaming smile he grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet.

I felt slightly awkward when his eyes automatically ran over me and to cover my embarrassment I listened to the music instead of looking at him. It was in fact blues, and I relaxed a little as it washed over me.

Jane squeezed my hand to get my attention and when I looked at him he raised his eyebrows. He was giving me a chance to back out, I realized, but I just took a step towards the dance floor.

He then took the lead and didn't stop until we were in the middle of the crowd of dancing couples.

I was tense again, feeling eyes on me as we passed by people. I imagined how everyone was staring at me, and even though I knew it wasn't happening, I suddenly felt small and self-conscious.

"Relax!" Jane murmured when he tugged me closer to him. One of his arms came to rest on my lower back, and he extended the other that held my hand.

I put my free hand shyly on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a second as I felt my whole face burning. The music soothed my discomfort though, and soon I was too immersed in the song to care. My head ended up on his shoulder, my eyes half closed as I let him lead.

"See? It's not that bad..." Jane muttered into my ear, his voice was more than a little amused.

"Shut up!" I whispered but a smile was pulling at the corners of my mouth. I was trying not to feel the way his lips touched my hair, and certainly not his every breath on my neck.

The song ended soon, maybe even too soon for my liking and Jane pulled back. I was on the edge of reaching out and asking him for one more song of dancing, but my mind got the better of me.

Before the new song started, there was a second of silence while I was still in that bubble of serenity, on that island of tranquillity and calmness where the song put me. For the tiniest moment, my mind was at ease and everything seemed fine. I forgot about the case and the Red John tattoo; it was just me in my pretty dress, the music and Jane.

It was all was broken though as soon as I felt him push me ever so gently towards the bar. His hand was on my waist and I took a step forward, leaving the dance floor.

I didn't look at him when I sat back down, too afraid of what he could have seen in my eyes right then. I turned my gaze on the crowd filling the club, suddenly realizing the real reason of our presence there. My eyes wandered from person to person, getting bored after some time. Until I saw something that caught my attention.

"Jane, what did Monica say about the man's cocktail? What did he drink?" I asked quickly from him in an urgent voice.

"A Bloody Bull, why? Do you see him?" he asked back and his tone was excited as he looked in the way I did before.

My eyes went back to search the man I spotted just seconds ago, and I checked the glass in his hands. Red cocktail, could be a Bloody Bull...

"Right there, at that corner table next to the plant!" I pointed as unobtrusively as I could and he moved closer to me while he looked. He had the expression of a five year old in a toy store for a moment as he studied the man, then he muttered breathlessly.

"Lisbon, that's him! We've got the bastard!"

**And that was it… What do you think? Was it good? Or bad?  
Please please review and tell me what you think! You know how much your opinion means to me… Every review makes my day better and brighter! :)  
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! You guys are awesome!  
The next chapter will be up, just like this, in about a week! :)  
Until then,xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi my dear readers! Thank you all so much for reading, and for the amazing feedback on last chapter. Special thanks goes to everyone who took their time and reviewed! Your precious words fuel and inspire me! :) I tried to answer everyone, though I couldn't send a message to _snezana_, who has been a wonderful reader, and I would like to say thank you for your kind words, and I would have sent you a message if I could, but you blocked the message service…  
Also, an extremely big thanks belongs to _MarvelDC superhero fan _for being an awesome beta! :)  
Now, onto the next chapter, I hope you will like it!**

_Disclaimer: I think it is not necessary to say, that I don't own the show._

Jane made his way through the crowd so swiftly that I had to hurry to catch up with him. It seems like the childhood in the carnival world did indeed do some good for him, beside being able to read people so easily, he could move through a crowd like nobody else.

"Jane, wait!" I grasped his hand and stopped him before the suspect could see us. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What we've been waiting for the whole night!" he replied without skipping a beat.

"We can't just go there and ask him 'Hi, have you killed a man recently?' It's not that easy!" I scolded him with an angry glare. Why did he always have to behave like a child?

"No, of course not! We are going undercover, or have you forgotten?"

"How could I?" I sighed rather theatrically "Only, do you mind sharing the background story before we go up there? I figure you have it all made up already, don't you?" I challenged him and he smirked.

"Of course I do Lisbon! It's simple as one plus one. We are a recently married couple, we both came from a rich family, and now that the two prestigious families are joined together by our magical romance, we'll inherit the whole fortune. The rest can be made up in action!" he told me and I was a bit taken aback by the load of information.

"Why do we have to be married?" I asked the first question that came to my mind. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, I got a strange, fluttering feeling in my stomach to imagine it, but I wouldn't tell Jane that for my life…

"Because it's logical this way," he shrugged innocently and I had to realize he was right. Anybody who saw us that night had to believe that we were together. For a second after our dance, even I believed we were, so it wouldn't be too hard to play.  
However, I narrowed my eyes and grimaced at him for putting me in this situation.

"Okay, but this better work, Jane!" I said with a slight shake of my head. I tried not to think about the secret that I still had about Red John. I hated to keep secrets, especially from Jane.

Now that I had a whole bunch of lying to do, it felt a bit overwhelming to carry the weight of my own lie too. My thoughts swirled in my head until I saw Jane's grin. It was reassuring and as I gazed into his blue eyes I suddenly felt better. I knew that this was going to be all right, that I could leave the lying to him. His eyes told me that I wouldn't have to do anything, just stand beside him, smile and nod. And of course, look for clues on the suspect. And I could do that, I decided.

When he laced his fingers with mine, I raised and eyebrow, but he just kept on grinning and I went with it. After all, it was part of the role…

"You know, Emma darling, this vineyard is perfect!" he announced enthusiastically and I almost rolled my eyes. He was already playing the role. But Emma, really? He had to name me Emma?

I wanted a good comeback and searched in my mind for the best name I could come up with for him.

"Honey, I'm glad you like it, but, Jeff, it's too far from my parents' weekend house! I promised them we would look for one that was closer so they could spend time with us…" I argued in my best honey-laced yet saucy voice, emphasizing the endearment and he squeezed my hand to let me know I was doing well. Though his squeeze was just a bit too hard, probably for naming him Jeff. I repressed a laugh and ran my thumb over his palm.

"All right, but you have to understand I want to spend more time with you! Just you!" he glanced at me and even though it was just an act, I blushed at his tender tone.

All the while, he led me towards the one table where our man sipped his drink peacefully.

Now that we were closer, I was sure it was a _Bloody Bull_. We were only steps away from him and I had no idea how Jane planned to make the guy speak to us. How did he want to bait him? I really hoped he had a plan.

"I-I want that too, but now that we moved to our apartment, we'll have more time together!" I babbled something when I realized I didn't react to his previous words yet.

"Oh Emma, I can't wait!" he suddenly laughed and sneaked his arm around my waist. He spun us around between the tables twice in a little dance, and after the second round my back bumped into something. More accurately, into someone.

And it occurred to me what his plan was. It was so simple, such a cliché I had to smirk at him before putting my mask back on, and turning to see who it was.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so deeply sorry sir," I squeaked and I touched the man's shoulder apologetically. He looked up at me with a confused face, but he didn't seem too angry. Half of his drink was spilled on the desk in a big, red puddle and it reminded me of a certain red smiling tattoo.

"Don't worry; it's all right!" he said. His voice was deep and rough.

"No, it's my fault really!" Jane came from behind me, and for some reason interest flashed in the man's eyes as he glanced at him. "Please let me buy you another one!" Jane motioned towards the suspect's glass.

The man seemed to forget that I was there in the moment he saw Jane. He stood up from the table and stared intensely at him. His drink was long forgotten too. When Jane mentioned it, his eyes shifted back to the puddle for a moment but then he fixed his eyes on him again.

"At last! I thought you would never come, Patrick!" he said with a scary smirk on his lips that seemed to change his entire face. When I first looked at him, he seemed like a tired, worn-out man but now he looked like a wild animal. He looked almost hungry as he eyed Jane. There was a morbid sparkle in his eyes that both made me curious and sent nervous chills up my spine.

"I'm sorry. What do you mean?" Jane asked with real astonishment written all over his face.

Somehow this turn of events made me want to run away, even though I didn't know what this meant yet. Why did our suspect know Jane by his first name? It didn't fit in the story…

"He said you would come, but I was afraid he was wrong," the man said and he shook his head with a smile "I should get used to the fact that he never is!"

"Who is _he_?" Jane asked in a more careful voice and the blood ran cold in my veins. In a matter of seconds, it was all clear to me. All too damn clear!

"Jane, let's go!" I muttered shakily, but he didn't listen to me. He eyed the man in front of us partially confused and partially suspicious.

"Oh Patrick, don't pretend you don't know… You wouldn't be here if you didn't!" the man grinned and I felt like the world was spinning around me. "He has a message for you, you know…" the man continued and in my desperation I closed my fingers around Jane's arm to get his attention.

"Jane, just go!" I stuttered as I moved from one leg to another. I felt awkward and I wished we had never came in the bar in the first place. I wished I hadn't listened to Jane when he tried to convince me that this would be a good idea.

"Lisbon, do you know what he's talking about?" Jane finally turned to me with a question in his eyes. It was heartbreaking to see him so unsure of … well, everything. He looked almost hopeful. Hopeful that I wouldn't take him down with just one word.

"I-…Jane, just leave it alone!" I begged him and my insides were about to break at his pained expression.

"You know, don't you?" he whispered and his eyes were wide as he looked from me to the man, then back at me again. I opened my mouth to say something to save that little what I still could, but no sound came out. I tried again, all the while staring at a point somewhere between his nose and lips. I couldn't bear the crushed look in his eyes.

"Jane…" I trailed off since I had truly no idea what to say. He turned away and it was quite the worst thing he could do. It was like he slapped me and I fought to hold back my tears.

"Is this about Red John?" Jane asked from the man and I saw from the corner of my eye that he nodded.

"Didn't you know? Hmm… Interesting. The lovely Agent Lisbon didn't rush to let you in, did she?" I heard the teasing tone and the unshed tears blurred my vision. I looked down at my hand, still clutching Jane's arm. "Red John sends you this" there was a pause then he continued "and his regards!" the man chuckled; then I didn't hear his voice again. I looked up, only to find that he was gone. I was standing next to the table with Jane at my side.

He didn't look at me though. He stared at a small, red envelope in his hand.

"Jane?" I addressed him in a small voice.

"Let's go," he said coldly, without any of the previous warmness in his tone. His face was emotionless as he put his hand on my waist and ushered me out to his car.

"Jane, I only found out yesterday. An ME called from the morgue and when I got there, he showed me the corpse of Boyton. He had a little, red smiley tattoo on his shoulder," I explained, hoping that it would make him talk to me but he didn't say a word.

He helped me in but never looked at me. Once inside, I sent Cho a text, letting him know that Rigsby and he could go home.

We drove in maddening silence, but as much as it hurt I didn't dare saying a word. Jane's movements were automatic, like he was on autopilot. His eyes were on the road, but I doubted he really watched where we went. I couldn't stop staring at him, but despite that I was sure he felt my gaze on him, he never looked back. There was a small wrinkle between his eyebrows, a sign that he was deep in thought.

I wondered what I was going to do. My secret was out there now. Jane knew and I couldn't protect him anymore with lying. Tomorrow I had to tell the team. Or really just VanPelt and Rigsby… They would be surprised, but I wasn't afraid to tell them as I was with Jane.

I knew he was angry at me; he had every right to be. I wished I had told him, but it was too late. The icy silence from him was scary though. I had no idea what was on his mind and that made me terrified. I couldn't let him do anything stupid.

I glared at the dashboard and that was when I spotted the red envelope. The message. My brain worked like crazy on what it could be. Nothing good... that I knew!

After what felt like hours, the car came to a stop. Jane got out without even a glance in my direction, only reaching back for the envelope. I quickly followed him, and I realized that we were at the CBI. My car waited a few spaces away in the parking lot and I looked at it before I jogged after Jane. He was already a few steps ahead and I couldn't really run fast in my heels, so I stopped and took them off. I ran after him barefoot with the shoes in my hand but I didn't care. He got into the elevator and the door closed before I could get there.

Cursing, I waited a moment, then changing my mind I ran up the stairs. I got to our floor mere seconds after him and I saw his back as he disappeared on the stairs to the attic. Of course, that was where he headed…  
His head was down and I guessed he must have been reading the message.

When I arrived, the attic door was closed and I slowed my steps to calm my breathing. I put my heels on, and as I got to the door I knocked softly.

"Jane...?" I called, but he didn't answer. I tried to pull the heavy door open and it slid with a growl. "Jane!" I spoke again, and this time I saw him.

He had his back to me, facing the big window, watching the city at night. The room was dimly lit; he didn't turn on any lights. The only light was filtering in from the window, coming from the city. As my eyes swept over the room quickly, I saw the open envelope on the small table, only a few feet behind him. A white paper lay next to it and I couldn't help it, I glanced at the message when I stepped closer to Jane.

The printed red letters were moderate, but they made me shiver. The message was only a sentence, written in the middle of the paper.

_'Let's end this where it all began!'_

I didn't have time to think about its meaning because Jane's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Go away, Lisbon!" he said calmly, still looking out of the window.

"No Jane! I need you to understand that I was just trying to protect you..." I started to explain but he laughed it off cruelly.

"By lying to me about the case being connected to Red John? You seriously thought I wouldn't find out?" his tone was sharp and condescending and it cut into me.

"I was going to tell you..." I muttered helplessly.

"Now I know, so you can go," he stated and he turned back towards the room.

"_Let's end this where it all began!_" I read the words aloud. "What do you think it means?" I asked him.

"I don't know yet..." he said ignoring my every try to help him. To be there for him...

"I don't want you to do anything insane!" I told him and he smirked.

"Just go Lisbon, I can take care of myself!" he snorted.

"No you can't! I'm here to help! Can't you see it?" I said passionately, and I could see that, at last, emotion crossed his face. I couldn't make out what exactly, but at least the blasé mask lifted for a few seconds.

"I don't need your help..." he growled.

"Jane, please, let me help...That's what friends are for! We've been through this before; we're family, and we help each other!" I reminded him of the last time he tried to shut us out, the memory burning painfully in my brain.

"Lisbon!" he sighed and looked at me like I couldn't understand something simple. "Look at me! Look what Red John did to me, what I became! I don't want you near him because it's dangerous and unnecessary!"

"Jane..." I wanted to cut him off, but he continued without wavering.

"I'm broken! I don't deserve family, Lisbon!" he snapped, his tone dripping with self-hatred "I can't let anyone close to me until he can't take them away from me anymore, I can't let myself love again until he's no longer out there! He would murder all of you just to hurt me! Just because he knew it would kill me inside... I can't let that! I can't..." his voice died away and suddenly I saw that he wasn't just angry because I lied to him. He was sad and scared. He was trying to protect the team by shutting us out.

I stepped closer to him and reached out to stroke his arm.

"Jane, you don't have to worry about us," I murmured as gently as I could, but he stepped back from my touch, shook his head at my words.

"Go home Lisbon!" he sighed and stepped away from me. His fists clenched at his sides and it made my heart crack a little.

"Jane… Patrick!" I tried with a more personal approach and I could feel his eyes on me while I continued. "You don't have to deal with this alone! I know what it does to you every time. I can see it in your eyes… And I'm here for you Jane! Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself! Just let me…" I said, the last part came out rather like a plea. What I didn't expect was his reaction. He quickly stepped up to me, right into my space, crowding me. His fingers closed around my arms as he desperately squeezed me.

"Can't you see Lisbon? I can't let you get near this… I can't let you be in danger! I can deal with him, with Red John appearing again. I've come to get used to it by now… What I can't bear is the thought of you being there in his sight! If I let you in…. If I let you help, I'll put you out to danger!" he said, his voice raising with every sentence. His blue eyes shone hopelessly as he talked.

I gaped at him, unable to move or say anything. His closeness muted me, my heart beating at full speed in my chest. I'd never really seen Jane have an outburst before…

"I can't lose you!" he exclaimed and my eyes grew even wider. "If I let the team get involved in this, if he'd somehow figure out how important you are to me, he would use it against me! He would hurt you to get to me..." at his words I realized he was using the term 'you' in reference to the whole team. He used it in plural form.

My racing heart slowed down a bit at this revelation. Also, I found a hint of sadness -or maybe disappointment? - in my heart, which in fact caught me completely off guard. It came sort of out of the blue and I couldn't quite put it anywhere...

"Jane, he won't…" I tried to assure him but the totally uncharacteristic, yet somehow Jane-ish glare he gave me stopped me from saying any more.

"Go home, Lisbon!" he told me as if only now realizing how close he was standing, and how his hands were on either side of my shoulders. Then, he let me go.

I found myself unable to argue with him anymore. As I gazed into his blue eyes, I felt exhausted. This was a long, oh so damn long, day and all I really wanted was some sleep. Of course, I knew I wouldn't get any if I had to think about Jane all night. If I had to worry about him…

But I couldn't fight him further. I saw in his eyes that he wouldn't give up. The so longed day when I would finally win an argument over Jane wouldn't be today. Not this day, not with this argument. So, with a last, tired and concerned sigh, I surrendered. My shoulders visibly slumped. I wasn't bracing myself to fight him anymore.

"See you tomorrow?" I said with trembling voice, though it sounded more like a question, a pathetic question, a needy question. A question that implied a last-ditch hope, waiting to get confirmed. And in fact, I needed the reinforcement that I would really see him tomorrow.

"Yeah," he mumbled nonchalantly, his tone making me highly doubt that he was paying attention to me. It made me worry for him all over again because I couldn't believe him.

"Good night, Lisbon!" he said and turned back to the window again.

"Night, Jane!" I murmured and I walked out of the attic, leaving him alone in the night

**And this was it… What do you think? I'll admit, this chapter was especially hard to write and there is more to come, so…  
Please tell me your opinion in a review! You know, that it would mean the world to me… Reviews are my light in the dark, every single word you write makes my day brighter and happier!  
Thank you all for reading my story, you guys are fantastic! :)  
Next chapter will be up, just as this one, in a week!  
Until then, xxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everyone! Here is the new chapter! Thank you all for the lovely feedback on last chapter. I would like to shout out to those of you who took the time to review your wonderful words make me smile every time! Also, thanks to Laurel who left a review as a guest! :)**

**I huge thanks goes out to _MarvelDC superhero fan_ for beta reading this story!**

**Now, on to the chapter…. Oh, and I would like to warn everybody, that the angst is back! ;)  
Cheers! **

_Disclaimer: I wouldn't say no if someone just offered me the show, though still, I don't own The mentalist…_

I slammed the door of my car and started the engine immediately. I needed to get away from the CBI building as soon as possible, certainly within minutes, before I changed my mind and went back to Jane. I knew he was in a place now where the only thing I could do to help him was to leave him alone to suffer a little. It was the best I could do… So I drove off in the direction of my apartment.

In less than 15 minutes, I parked the car and got out. The night was cold and I shivered in the short dress. My heels were making more sound than I'd like them to make, and I hurried inside where I could kick them off. I felt a tiny bit guilty for just leaving the shoes next to the door; I knew I should have put them away into the box where they belonged. But I couldn't bring myself to go back and arrange them, as always.

I threw my clutch on the couch and headed for the bathroom. All I craved was a long, hot bath and some relaxing sleep. Yesterday night I couldn't really get any, and I was starting to feel the impact of it. My eyelids closed without my permission as I lowered myself tiredly on the edge of the bathtub. I listened as the warm water filled the tub, then opening my eyes again I took everything off, stepping out of it and folding the dress on the bathroom dresser.

I stepped into the tub and sat down, leaning my head back with a quiet moan of delight. The hot water around me eased the stress in my muscles and soon I was fully relaxed.

My thoughts chased one another lazily, without any pattern, or direction. The steam filling the bathroom swirled around me as I replayed the events of the day in my mind. There was something hiding in the back of my mind, taunting me, and I fought to grasp it. It was there the whole time, since I left the CBI, pushing its way across the irrelevant little things my mind provided me with to think about. The hot air around me seemed to daze me and I got out of the tub. I wrapped a soft towel around myself and I stood there, my hands resting on the cold porcelain of the sink, staring at my silhouette. I wiped the mirror with my right hand and looked into the eyes of my reflection. The thought was still nagging me, desperate to break into my consciousness. Somehow I couldn't banish the image of Patrick Jane's sad, blue eyes from my brain and I felt that it connected to the missing, or more likely hiding, thought.

I recalled our conversation in the attic, worrying that maybe I should have stayed with him when suddenly it occurred to me, the thought hitting me hard.

"Damn!" I cursed in a whisper and I collapsed on the edge of the bathtub, my legs no longer able to keep me upright. The message, I forgot about the freaking message…

He said he didn't know what it mean, but I was one hundred percent sure that by now he had figured it out. Maybe he knew all along and he just didn't tell me. It didn't really matter as I realized I had no idea what the message meant.

_'Let's end this where it all began!'_

The red words burnt a hole in my mind, hovering in front of me while I dried myself quickly. What did it mean? The question was all I could think about. My brain stayed blank though, and I had to slow my motions down and lean on the sink again for support as I gasped for air. The oxygen was not enough in my small bathroom and I tore the door open to let some fresh air in from the corridor. I stumbled out and made my way into my bedroom. I flung on my clothes, a plain shirt and jeans. My hands were shaking and I barely could put on my sweater as I ran out to the living room. I tossed the pillows on the couch aside in a wild search for my clutch to get my gun and badge.

As soon as I got it, I grabbed my keys and flew out of my apartment, to my car.

However, once I was in the vehicle, I couldn't get moving. I didn't know where to go...

I remembered the message, letter by letter, but there wasn't an address, though. It was a quiz, personally for Jane to find out. He wanted to meet him where it all began...

But where was that? I almost screamed in frustration, my nerves were stretched to the max... I bent my head on the steering wheel hopelessly, and a single tear escaped.

I knew Jane would go there -wherever that might be- and confront Red John. Hell, he would even try to kill the serial killer! But all it would lead to was him getting hurt.

Where it all began...

I couldn't come up with anything useful. I just wished Red John never had anything to do with Jane. That he never even existed! Although, I knew that in that case I had never met Jane. Sadly, our whole relationship was built on one particular Red John case at first. I'd like to think that since then it became more. But I couldn't deny that if it wasn't for him, I would never have known Patrick Jane at all!

And it all started in a bedroom of a family home in Malibu, on a quiet night almost 9 years ago...

My eyes snapped open and I lifted my head up. For a split second I stared at the dark road in front of me, my neighborhood barely visible in the light of street lamps. I turned the keys and switched on the ignition.

My car came to life with a low hum that disturbed the previous silence, and I wondered if the people living next door to me heard it too...

I knew I shouldn't have been driving in this agitated state, but I couldn't stay. I had to go there and at least try to stop Jane from doing something stupid.

The car rolled excruciatingly slowly until I reached the corner. There, I turned right and as I drove I tried to remember where Jane's house was. I'd been there a couple of times since I'd known him but never for a long period of time. I knew the address by heart because I had read it so many times in files, but that wasn't a part of California I went to often and I didn't want to get lost. I couldn't afford getting lost. Not now!

I was sure they were there in that house. It was 'where it all began,' where this mysterious, and terrific, seemingly endless cat and mouse game began. If I could figure it out, I was sure Jane had hours ago and the more he was there, alone with Red John, the bigger danger he was in. The message said 'Let's end this…' and I hysterically wanted to come up with anything that was different from the dramatic ending that would suit Red John so much. I couldn't let myself think about that, I couldn't let myself imagine Jane's dead body laying there with white skin and blood all around him.

I shivered as I shooed the thought away. Now I was speeding carelessly on the highway towards Malibu. My head was spinning like crazy, and I knew that in any other situation I would have never let myself drive; it was unsafe for me and for everybody who was still on the roads. Fortunately, at this hour of the night the highway wasn't as crowded as it was during the day, and as I moved between cars I could concentrate on what was waiting for me.

It took me a long while to get there, even though I went high above the allowed speed and when I finally parked my car across the street in front of the enormous house I felt like I lost too much time already…

The night air was chilling, making goosebumps rise all over my neck and arms through the sweater. I didn't know for sure that it was just the cold, or something more, hanging in the air. Everything was still and ghoulish, no light in sight. It was sort of hard to believe that once, not so long ago, this place was the home of a happy family. Actually, it was difficult to believe that anybody ever lived there. The ghost of the tragedy that happened there, the brutal end of two innocent lives, was still perceptible, making any felicity avoid this place. The grief and pain shadowed the pretty view of the ocean and any beauty that the place ever had. The house couldn't get closure either…

I knew Jane never sold the house; not that I was surprised in any way. He wouldn't be able to get rid of this solid reminder of what he had, of what he lost. A part of him, predictably a huge part, died on that fatal night when he first caught sight of the note on the door. There was no way he would ever forget or ever sell the house where the bloody red face was still painted on the wall. I shuddered and felt sick at the thought that it was his wife's blood. It was Angela's precious blood that made the otherwise white wall red, blood trailing down on the wall in narrow paths, pooling at the bottom of it. I could never forget the moment when I first stepped into that room, not just because it changed my life, but because of the unusual cruelty of the scene. I see it in front of me till this day: the covered body -thank God, that I didn't have to see her - the drops of blood all around the bed, the crushed, pale, horrified form of Patrick Jane leaning against a shelf. The first time I saw him...

As 9 years later I crossed the street, heading to that house again everything seemed so vivid. Just like that day years ago, I knew that Red John had been there; the difference was, that today I hoped that he was still there... Because that meant that Jane was still alive. If Red John was in the house, then the chances were better that what I would find in the house wouldn't be the corpse of my consultant.

I swallowed hard at this thought as I stepped on the garden path. I was so alone, so damn alone, without any backup, without my team. I had my gun, but that was it; against Red John I was nothing.

I never doubted myself as a cop. It never crossed my mind that there would be a time when I felt I was not enough, that I was so easily disposable. Yet now, while stepping closer and closer to the front door, I felt as if I didn't have a chance. I had to go there though. I couldn't stand the thought of Jane there alone with Red John. Even if I knew I was no help to him, I couldn't let him be alone, however inexplicable it was.

My heart was thumping in my throat. I reached for my gun and pulled it out of the holster. My hands were slightly trembling, but I kept going.

_Get yourself together Teresa!_, I scolded myself and took a breath to calm down.

I reached for the door handle, pushing it down, praying that it wouldn't make any sound. I felt like all my senses were overwhelmed, that I couldn't take anymore. I wanted to run, to scream, do anything that would use up my nervous energy. Still, I just walked step by step into the huge, deserted house, listening to a clue of where Red John and Jane might be.

I heard nothing but as I ran my eyes along the wall beside me, I saw a soft light coming from a room on the left. There was a short clicking sound then complete quiet again.

I held my breath as I got closer to the half-open door, my eyes fixed on the gap between the frame and the door. My gun was pointed, ready in my extended hand, and I wondered if I would use it tonight. 'If I had to, I would!,' I decided.

I knew I couldn't, and most importantly wouldn't, burst in that door, aim for the murderer's head and shoot him. He would no doubt deserve it, but I couldn't kill him for the numerous murders he committed. No, that would be unlikely, against every rule that I usually follow. Unlike me.

Although, I would shoot him without any second thought if Jane's life was in danger. That would be right and would follow the protocol. Unless something went very wrong Red John had to end up in jail. In a very strict, special cell. Where he would be kept till death came for him...

I always told Jane this. I never hid my opinion from him, and he did the same. I knew he wanted to kill Red John, just as he knew that I wanted him behind bars.

So my gun was only for security. I wasn't planning on using it. I was determined to stay a good cop, a good agent in every possible situation, and do as I was supposed to do.

I didn't know what to expect when I opened that door. I did have suspicions, worries and hopes of course, but I managed to stay away from expectations. I managed not to think too much about it and guess. I knew Jane, and I knew about Red John as much to know for sure, that it would be something unpredictable. And still, when I pushed the door open and stepped inside with my weapon pointing forward cautiously, my brain stopped for a minute. My heart skipped a beat. I sucked in a bewildered breath then kept it in.

And I realized just how wrong all my assumptions were.

As I took in the scene in front of me, everything was motionless. Two pairs of eyes stared at me, one with amusement and delight and one amazing pair of ocean-blue eyes I knew so well with utter shock and terror.

"Agent Lisbon, how lovely it is from you to join us! Please, have a cup of tea. It's my treat!" Red John spoke first with a smirk on his face, winking at me like we were old buddies.

Because that's what the two had been doing. They were sitting at a small table across from each other drinking tea. The whole picture would have been irresistibly peaceful if it weren't for the gun resting in Red John's hand pointing straight at Jane's chest.

* * *

I walked numbly to the chair next to Jane, still under the effect of this surprise.

"Lisbon!" Jane growled my name in a scared tone, but I sat down anyway. "Let her go, she has nothing to do with this!" he spat, turning to Red John.

"Let her?" the man chuckled, his dark eyes practically sparkling as he watched us. "As far as I know, Patrick, this pretty lady here came on her own. I didn't force her to do anything..."

Red John sipped his tea and pointed at the pot with his gun to Jane. He understood, and reached out to pour me a cup of tea.

"How did you know?" Jane's question was for me. I knew without saying.

"It took me a while and a lot of thinking, but I figured it out somehow. I'm not so foolish after all..." I felt a little proud as I said it even though I could feel he was furious in his own way.

"You should have stayed home..." he muttered, and for once, I knew the hidden meaning behind his words for sure. What he didn't say was 'where you're safe.' I knew that Jane never wanted me to get hurt and after he expressed it so clearly earlier tonight, I knew the team's and my safety were important to him.

"I couldn't let you do anything stupid!" I shrugged and it earned me a humorless laugh.

"All right, enough of the small talk!" Red John seemed to take it hard that he was neglected at his own tea party.

I raised my cup to my mouth and took a sip. This whole situation was so extremely ridiculous. My heart was still racing but somehow I felt peaceful sitting next to Jane, sipping tea in his old house with the serial killer across us, pointing a 9-milimeter towards Jane's heart. I wanted to yell at him for risking his life like this, I wanted to pull out my cell and call for backup, I wanted to shoot Red John even though it would be against my rules. But I did nothing. My gun lay next to my hand on the table, untouched, and I knew that if I reached for it Red John would shoot me without thinking.

"Well, well dear Lisbon, your presence messes up my perfectly worked out plan, I'll admit!" Red John said after a few seconds, his rough voice charming as he continued "But don't worry, I'm not complaining. This turn of events gives me a chance to think about something different. Oh, and I already have an idea. You are going to love it Patrick! It will be so much fun!" he laughed and it sent a shudder down my spine.

"If you touch her with even one finger..."Jane hissed and I never heard him so threatening and intense.

"Then what, Patrick?" the man raised an eyebrow.

"She has nothing to do with this. Don't you dare lay a hand on her, or I swear I'll..." Jane's hand fisted on the table and his cup hit the table with a loud clatter as he forcefully put it down.

"You won't be able to do anything, will you?" Red John asked with a morbid grin. "No, no..." he swayed his head "You are going to wait here while I have a little fun upstairs with the enchanting Agent Lisbon..." he said and he turned his gun towards me. I heard the sharp intake of breath from Jane and I saw from the corner of my eye, that his fists were shaking. "Now, stand up! Move!" Red John yelled and I jumped in my seat. I stood up with trembling legs, my chair made a creepy creaking sound on the floor.

"I'm so sorry, Lisbon!" Jane whispered next to me, his voice close to crying. It made me even more terrified than I was. I never get scared, there has to be an absolutely solution-less, horrible situation to make me frightened. Scaring me is difficult, but I've never even heard Jane truly scared before. Now he sounded like he was out of his mind from fear. And so was I...

He sounded like a little child, and I felt the need to protect him. Again.

I wanted to reach out and touch him, comfort him, but I knew that the second I moved Red John would send a bullet into my heart.

I felt his hand lightly brush mine and I closed my eyes at his touch. I lingered a second longer before Red John became impatient. He aggressively cuffed Jane to the table by his feet and then came closer to me. I never looked at him, but I felt him beside me. He held the gun to my back and pushed me forward, away from Jane.

"Be a nice girl and say goodbye to Patrick!" he purred into my ears, but before I could look back once more on Jane, he shoved me out of the kitchen and shut the door with a thud.

**And this was it… Yes? No? Good? Bad?  
Sorry, I'm sort of desperate for feedback! Please please leave a review, just a few words for me. Just, tell me what you think! Your reviews make my world brighter… And seriously guys, I'm in a small writers' block, I could really use some reviews… Just a tiny review with your opinion would make my heart melt…;)  
And, also I would like to tell you that there aren't so many chapters left now, and that there will be loads of drama and angst in the next chapters. But, you know I'm a helpless romantic, so you can definetely hope for a fluffy happy end. I hope this doesn't ruin the angst for anyone…;)  
As always, thank you for reading, and even a huger thanks for those of you who take the time to review…:)  
Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week!  
Until then, xxx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys, it's update time! :)  
First of all, thank you so freaking much for all the feedback on last chapter! Seriously, you guys are the best! You make my days so much better! I tried to answer all of the reviews, thank you all for your words, you are a real inspiration! :) Also, thanks for all the alerts and favorites… I don't know how to express how grateful I am for you! I don't know what I would do without you guys…  
A huge thanks goes out to ****_MarvelDC superhero fan_**** for betaing my story and putting up with my stupid mistakes!  
I would like to mention that this is pretty angsty again, but the fluff stuff will come eventually! I hope you will like it!  
Now, onto the story, please enjoy! ;)**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own The mentalist, or the characters… _

He pushed me towards the stairs and I knew exactly where we were headed before we got to the door.

I wanted to protest, to shout, to fight with him. But I couldn't force out anything. I could barely even put one foot in front of the other as he guided me to the bedroom upstairs, or what used to be a bedroom.

Last time I had been in that room, most of it was covered in Angela Jane's blood. I was disgusted at the thought of entering that room with this man. Especially with him! I knew that ever since that disastrous night, this room had been Jane's place to think. Nowadays, he was pretty keen on the CBI attic too, but I knew he respected this room, just like he respected the memory of his wife.

Though, when the door opened and we walked inside, for a moment I thought I was in a totally different room. I really hadn't been in this room since I first saw it as a crime scene, and I was a little taken aback by the sight of the place now. It had been cleared out completely. I could best describe it as bare. There was only one dirty mattress next to the wall right under the bloody smiling face.

I felt a bit of morbid curiosity of what Red John could have felt in that second when he saw the red face, but I didn't move an inch to see his face. I was too damn shocked to the bone, my heart beating so fast that it almost hurt and my knees felt almost too weak to hold me up.  
He got out a thick rope and tied my hands and feet together tightly. Then he pushed me down on the mattress and a high squeak ecaped my mouth.

"You know Teresa, you shouldn't have came here! I only wanted to kill Jane, but you being here is so much better than I thought," he said excitedly "Oh, his face was priceless..." he continued and he took a tempting step towards me.

I was laying helplessly, trying to mask my fear. I couldn't allow myself to panic; he didn't deserve to see my terror. Giving him that pleasure was the last thing I wanted.

"Stay away from me!" I told him, and I was glad that my voice sounded a lot more confident than I felt.

"Oh, oh Teresa, don't be so hostile! I just want to have some fun after all..." he leered at me and I felt coldness running through me from the way his eyes fixed on me and my body.

He got closer to me and, to my biggest fright, he took a little, but sharp knife out of his pocket. A ruthless grin took over his features, his whole expression savage.

I sucked in a breath and tried to stay calm. I pulled up my knees and lifted my feet in front of me defensively, in the best position to kick him. He laughed at my pathetic attempts to get ready for his attack.

He came one step closer, and he was now close enough to touch me so I squeezed my muscles and kicked out as strong as I could.

His arm came up and, just like he was made of iron, he pushed my feet away with one steady move.

"That's all you've got? How sad..." the corners of his mouth turned down in a mock pout and I growled in frustration "You growl like a tiger, but fight like a kitten!" he chuckled and he stepped so close to me that his feet were at the edge of the mattress.

I slid back on my butt until my back hit the wall, trying my best to keep distance between us.

My head was full of impossible plans to escape, my eyes jumped crazily from side to side and then back at Red John, searching for any way out. I cornered myself and he was coming closer and closer, painfully slowly, and he had a knife and a merciless smirk on his face...

"Don't worry, I won't be too rough..." he said and lifted his knife higher, it was in level with my neck.

Panic rose in my chest again, clouding my brain and suddenly it was hard to breathe.

I looked into his eyes, his irises almost black. His stare was insane and determined. I saw that the fact that I was willing to fight amused him. There was a sparkle of challenge in his eyes.

I took a shaky breath and composed myself. I was a CBI agent, I was tough, I was brave...at least, I was _supposed to be_ brave! I could fight him and protect myself! I wouldn't give myself up easily; if he wanted to kill me, he would have to fight against me.

The rope cut into my wrists as I twisted my hands in an attempt to slip out of it. My hands started to go numb from the angle, but I knew I wouldn't have time to bring them to my front.

That work would take minutes, and Red John was standing over me like a beast.

I prepared again for a kick, but he was quicker this time and put his foot on my joined feet.

He reached out and the tip of the knife scratched my skin. He dragged it down, then around my throat and I felt the twinge as it dipped into me. It wasn't deep enough to bleed yet, but I knew he wasn't finished.

I was determined not to make any noise. I tried to pull away from the knife but the wall behind me didn't let me move any further. I was pressed up against it, and I felt Red John's exhales on my cheek as he pushed the blade to my neck. I turned my head to both sides, trying to get rid of him, but he followed with the knife. Finally the sharp object cut into my chin, making me gasp as I felt a small drop of blood flow down my throat.

I squirmed under his foot, and when one of mine slipped out from under his he pulled back a little. I moved even harder this time, desperate to get free.

"Stay still or I'll kill you!" he snapped but I kept turning my legs. It was almost out when he harshly grabbed my face. His fingers were hurting my jaw, his grip strong and rough.

I looked into his face and with a sudden boldness I spat at him. My saliva hit him just between his eyes and he let me go instantly. He roared madly and brought his hands up to wipe his face.

"You bitch!" he bawled once he got it all off. "I was easy on you until now! But it's over..." he stepped back and put the knife into his pocket again. His eyes were flashing with anger. And I was waiting for his next move with thudding heart. With my adrenaline lever in the sky, I wasn't even afraid of him anymore.

"You chose to be an Amazon?" he asked scornfully with a twitch of his nose.

He looked over me once again, as I crouched on the mattress, before walking to the door. I stared after him with wide eyes, my mind working.

"W-wait!" I croaked, leaning forward.

I realized in that moment that if he left me, that meant he was going for Jane. My mouth went dry at that thought. I felt like I could take any torture as long as he didn't hurt Jane. And while he was busy taking care of me, he wasn't anywhere near Jane. That gave me strength to move, to speak. Winning Jane some time, that was my goal now. I couldn't bear the thought of Red John hurting him. No, he was too important to me; I knew for sure at this moment.

I gathered all my will and held the man's eye. I wanted to look calm and brave, I wanted to get his attention, his interest.

He laughed though and opened the door. He must have knew what I was thinking.

"Don't worry. I'll be back! I'll just go downstairs to take care of Patrick. You know, it would be rude to keep him waiting any longer! He's already suffered enough from thinking you're dead. I can kill him now and he'd never know that I killed you after him... With him thinking you're dead, it will be almost easy to kill him. He'll beg me to end his life..." he said while he closed the door, and I fought with my ropes again, this time more crazily, more feverishly.

I had to get out of here! I couldn't let him touch Jane! No, he couldn't kill him! That wasn't possible... My pain in the ass consultant had to live! He _had to_ stay alive! Life without Jane wouldn't be the same. I simply couldn't remember mine before I met him. How could I ever live without him wandering around and taking naps on the couch and pissing everybody -including me- off? For me a life without all this, would be a life not worthy to live... I wished I could have had this epiphany sooner. When it wasn't too late.

Then it hit me; I probably wouldn't have to suffer much without Jane, since Red John was going to kill me right after him... But still, a world without Jane, even if I wouldn't be here to see it, would be horrible.

No, it wasn't over just yet. He couldn't die! And I would do anything in my power to save him. The world needed a Jane. The team needed Jane. It would be enough for them to lose me; they couldn't lose him too...

My arms were still behind my back and now I slowly brought them to my front. Or at least I tried. It was too tight and my arms were too short. I heard a loud noise from the kitchen and my heart skipped a few beats. I didn't move until I heard them both moving again. I continued my previous task but I couldn't do it. Crap! Why did I have to be this short? If I were taller, my arms would be longer, too...

Touching the wall behind my back I pushed myself up into a standing position. When I was on my feet, I turned my head back and looked at the red smiling face.

It was like the ghost of Angela's soul was in this room. Like the fact that her blood colored the wall meant that her soul couldn't leave it either.

I couldn't help the shiver that ran through me before I heard the closing of a door downstairs. I considered yelling, but I was sure Red John would kill Jane in that moment. I froze instead and listened to the footsteps; they went to the front door then exited the house.

When there was no more sound, I carefully jumped to the door of the bedroom. It was harder than I expected and I was sweating all over by the time I got there.

I stopped, panting for a minute, my eyes on the wooden door in front of me. The house was still quiet and I hoped Red John hadn't taken Jane away somewhere, to a place where I couldn't find them, where I couldn't go after them and save him.

When my breaths slowed down a bit, I decided I had taken enough time, maybe even too much. I turned around, my back to the door and ran my fingertips along it, until my hand hit the handle. I prayed that Red John didn't lock it as I tried to push the handle down. When it moved, I let out a relieved sigh and opened the door slightly.

I stopped in the opened doorway, listening to the silence, straining my ears to hear any sound that would indicate where Red John took Jane. When there was none, I started jumping towards the stairs. With my legs still tied together, I could only jump one step at the time.

It wasn't far from the door, but it took me a while to get there. After every two or three steps I stopped to listen, and catch my breath. I could only hear my own heartbeat thumping in my ears though.

Sometimes there was a soft noise coming from the garden, and that kept me going.

When I got to the stairs, I looked down and sighed. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second before I jumped on the first step tentatively. I felt a little dizzy and swayed on the spot with my breath held, but I managed to hold my balance. After that I jumped down, one step at a time.

I was two more steps from the ground when I slipped on the edge of one step. It all seemed like slow motion for me as I tumbled down, crashing to the floor with a force that squeezed all air out of my lungs. A startled, painful squeak left my mouth, but I bit my tongue to stop myself from making any more sound.

I lay on the ground, my cheek pressed against the wooden floor. My legs were shaking and I had a hard time breathing normally. My arms, still behind my back at an unhealthy angle, stung and were throbbing. I was aching like every part of my body was on fire.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I grunted, hating myself for being so weak. It was just a fall after all. I had to get up and get going! That was the only way I could save Jane...

Somehow I managed to pull my knees up and under me. Then with all the power I had left, I pushed myself up and stood. I shook my head to get my hair out of my face and with small jumps I started for the kitchen. I had to get rid of the ropes and I hoped to find some sort of knife in there.

My shoulders were hurting as if somebody had punched me with full force but I jumped relentlessly into the kitchen, going on the same path I followed when I first entered this house tonight.

The door was open. I only had to push it a little further so I could get inside. Once in there my breath hitched in my throat. I saw two chairs on the ground, one completely upside down. The table was turned a little and my lips formed a small 'o' when I spotted my gun on the ground.

It was half under a cupboard, but I knew I would be able to get it out.

Tearing my gaze away from the weapon, I jumped to the counter and looked around. I saw a few drawers that seemed like it could contain silver and I rushed to it.

I turned around and with some difficulty, I dragged them all open. Then I looked inside, searching for a knife sharp enough to cut the ropes with. I quickly found what I was looking for, and turning my back to the drawer again, I searched blindly for it. My hands slipped over the smooth, sharp blade and I was quite sure that it cut my fingers, but I didn't care. I grabbed the knife and adjusted it in my hands until I could start to cut the rope with it. I rubbed it up and down with gritted teeth. It took longer than it should, almost a whole minute, by the time I started to feel the ropes loosening. I dropped the knife to the ground and it hit the floor noisily. I didn't care, just brought my hands to my front, tearing the rope. I stretched a little, letting out a relieved sigh. Then I squatted down and took the knife again, and cut the ties around my ankles too.

As soon as I was free of all the ropes I went to the cupboard and reached for my gun under it.

The weapon was well under the furniture, and my fingers ached when I grasped the butt. Then I continued to pull slowly, carefully. My full attention was on the task at hand until I heard a shot from outside. I froze and didn't move, tears welling up in the back of my eyes. I blinked them back and moved my fingers again. In a second I gripped the handle of my gun and tugged it out from under the cupboard.

I was doing everything I possibly could to avoid thinking about the shot I just heard avoiking the thought that it might have been the shot that ended Jane's life. That right now, he might be laying out there, motionlessly, bleeding out. And all I could do was watch as the light of life left his sparkling blue eyes forever. Then, I would die too. Red John would kill me right after him, though I wasn't sure if I even wanted to live if he was dead…

No, I couldn't think about that. It wasn't doing any good, neither for me nor for Jane.

Instead I stood up and ran out of the kitchen towards the front door. My gun was in my hand, and I was damn ready to shot.

* * *

_Please God, don't let him be hurt! Please protect him! Please, please…_

I begged silently as I approached the door. I hoped with all my heart that my pleas were heard by someone high up, someone with much more power than me.

I only slowed my steps as I touched the handle of the door. I had to stay unnoticed by Red John, and storming out of the house with the vehemence I had would allow him to spot me right away. So I took my time opening the door and stepping out of the house. My heart was beating like crazy, dangerously heavy in my chest, my blood running in my veins with full force.

My feet were light as feather and felt like air as I stepped on the porch. I held my breath when I saw the two men, standing near the house, about twenty feet away from me. My hand trembled a little but I stilled it. A distance like this never meant difficulty for me. I could shoot further than that easily any time. But now as I stood there, just in front of Jane's house, I felt like I couldn't do it.

I watched Jane and Red John for a second. They both had their backs to me, Jane a few steps away from the murderer and Red John pointing his gun at him firmly. Of course, his hands weren't shaking like a leaf in the autumn breeze...

My mind felt blank and I stared at the most important man in my life with the most important man in _his_ life. I couldn't just watch Red John shoot him, but I was too much in shock to move.

Then, as if something snapped inside me, my extended hand with my weapon became deadly still. My breathing evened and my legs became capable of moving. And in that second I found my voice again.

"Put the gun down!" I yelled as I took one step towards them. My tone was strong and bossy. Authoritative.

I wavered only a little bit, my heart aching as I saw the slight move Jane made. He still had his back to me, but his shoulders visibly tensed, his head jerking up and his hands fisting into tight balls beside him.

Red John on the other hand, turned around and looked at me with a sneer.

"Oh Teresa, Teresa..." he said tiredly. "You and I both know that won't happen. I'm going to shoot and Patrick here is going to die..." he lowered his head a bit, but never tore his eyes away from me.

"I will shoot you first!" I hissed and Red John's eyebrows shot up in interest.

"Oh really?" he asked then turned his gun to point it at me.

It all happened so fast. I positioned my finger on the trigger, ready to shoot as I stared at him. I felt kind of relieved in the moment his gun wasn't pointing at Jane, but then I saw Jane turn back also, and I saw so many emotions flicker on his face. His eyes widened as they roamed my form. I saw it clearly. His gaze was worried, panicked, but still tender.

I looked into his eyes for a second, and that's when I heard it, the loud shot that broke through the silence of the night around us.

"NO!" I heard Jane's horrified shout before I pulled the trigger too, sending another bullet through the space, hoping that it would reach its target.

I felt the air it pushed before itself, as it flew, first. Just a slight wave of cool air that caressed me before the bulled ripped through my shirt and hit me.

Then I couldn't think anymore as my knees buckled under me and I helplessly fell to the ground...

**So, this is it… What do you guys think? Liked it? Or not?  
I know this is a kind of a cliffhanger again, but I'm pretty sure you all know what's going to happen now… So it isn't so much of a hanger after all! ;) And I can assure you, that this one is the last cliffie in this story…  
I am happy to tell you that I finished writing this story, so hopefully the updates will be a bit faster now! ;) I'm so exctied to hear what you will think about the whole thing!  
Thank you for reading, and please please I'm begging for some reviews! Please tell me your opinion, you know how it means the world to me! Every single thing you write melts and warms my heart! :)  
So, I'll try to upload quickly!  
Until then, xxx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi everybody! Here is the new chapter! And I have to tell you, I'm kind of proud of myself for updating on Thursday instead of Saturday…  
Thank you all for reading and special thanks to those of you, who wrote a review! I tried to answer everyone, and I want you to know, that every single word you write makes me happy! You are all a huge inspiration, and the best readers I could hope for… Thank you for being! ;)  
Also, an enormous thanks goes out to ****_MarvelDC superhero fan _****for beta reading my story!  
Now, onto this chapter! It starts with a little flashback, and that is why it seems a bit longer than usual… I hope you will like it, please enjoy! **

_Disclaimer: If anyone feels the urge to offer me the show, I'd gladly take it… Otherwise, it's still not mine!_

_It hurt._

_It hurt so much; the pain was overwhelming. I couldn't breathe as the unbearable pain coursed through my veins, spreading through my whole body._

_I heard Jane's distant whisper, pleading me to open my eyes. His voice was horrified, begging and desperate. I didn't realize my eyes were closed until I heard it._

_I tried to tell him that I couldn't open my eyes but my mouth let me down. My lips stayed closed and I could barely force them open to let out a strangled sigh. It was nearly inaudible, even for me, and I tried to suck some air into my lungs before my mouth shut again._

_My limbs felt heavy, not like the usual exhausted-heavy, but a different kind. I was sure that someone put something incredibly heavy on me._

_I heard Jane's voice, calling out to someone. Telling them to come here._

_I wanted to tell Jane not to call them, tell him to keep talking to me because his soothing voice eased my pain. But he fell silent, whispering "Stay with me" from time to time. He sounded so extremely sad and worried that I wanted to open my eyes and tell him that it's all going to be okay. But I couldn't..._

_The weight on my chest pushed me down, down and I was suffocating. I wanted to scream, to ask Jane to help me, but my voice didn't work._

_I felt warmness on my side and I was sure he covered me with his jacket. I even tried to smile a little at his kindness; he was so thoughtful. Then I realized that the warmness couldn't be his clothing because it felt wet. It made my shirt damp and it smelled bad, absolutely not like the delicious scent of Patrick Jane._

_My insides clenched as I recognized the smell. I knew it too well; it greeted me on every crime scene. It was the sharp, bitter smell of blood. And as I put the pieces together, the terrible realization hit me. It was my blood, flowing freely from my body._

_The wound on my side was burning and the pain got worse as I paid more attention on it. I tried to concentrate on Jane's uneven breathing besides me and I hoped with all my heart that he wasn't hurt._

_I forced my mouth to open again and, despite all the pain in my body, I strained my voice to work._

_"J..Jane..Jane..." I stammered in a whisper, my side aching even more as I tried to take another breath. I didn't care; I needed to know he was all right._

_"Lisbon! Teresa, it's going to be okay... Don't worry, I'm here with you... The ambulance will be here any minute!" he murmured to me in a rushed tone. His voice sounded close as if he were leaning over me. My eyes were still closed but I wanted to see him, especially if he was so close. I had to see his sparkling blue eyes that could do miracles to me. His eyes could bring me hope and happiness or could push me into the darkness of fear and panic._

_My eyelids were heavy too; they fluttered closed every time I tried. It took me more than a minute to open my eyes, but it was worth the work. I was greeted with the most amazing ocean blue eyes I've ever seen. He was looking at me, his eyes caring and concerned._

_We stared deeply into each other's eyes, silently reassuring the other that it will be okay._

_"Just stay with me..." he whispered, but I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore._

_My breathing was harder, more like panting and my lungs felt dry._

_Suddenly I heard the sound of the ambulance and as the car stopped Jane sighed, a small sound of relief. Footsteps sounded and I felt like I can't resist the darkness anymore. It sucked me down like a black hole, away from this world, away from the reality, away from Jane and everything I loved..._

_I wanted to fight it. I loved to live. I wanted to live! I wanted to be able to see my team again, to feel the rush of adrenaline through my veins while we were about to solve a particularly difficult case, I wanted to eat at my favorite Italian restaurant once more, to swim in the ocean, to see the Eiffel Tower. I needed to hug my brothers and tell them I loved them. I wanted to tell Jane I loved him..._

_But the darkness was too strong. I couldn't fight it no matter how hard I tried. Images from my life flowed through my mind and I was sure I started to cry._

_"Lisbon, stay with me! Do you hear me? Open your eyes!" Jane begged me, but I wasn't really there anymore. I was deep down in the endless darkness._

_Just before I was completely engulfed with the darkness, I heard two or three people run to me and they started to examine me. I heard Jane's trembling voice as he told them what happened, that I had a gunshot wound at my side. Somebody touched my side and I wanted to scream from the pain, but I couldn't. Somehow they managed to get me on a stretcher and I felt hands on me, cutting my shirt open, touching the wound. The blood never stopped flowing from my body and I heard somebody swear._

_"That's a lot of blood. Let's hope the bullet didn't hit organs and arteries."_

_A hand grasped mine as it lay motionless beside me and I was sure it was Jane's. His skin was cold as ice and I could feel him shaking. If I had the strength I would have squeezed it, but I couldn't... I just lay there, helplessly bleeding out as the doctors tried to save me._

_They lifted me into the ambulance and I was starting to black out._

_Through the dizziness in my mind, I heard the conversation between Jane and the doctor. He wanted to come with me in the ambulance and the doctor made him promise that he won't cause trouble. Just like he knew Jane..._

_Jane swore that he would be good and I heard the bang as they closed the ambulance's back door._

_I felt really weak. The darkness wasn't scary anymore; I was getting used to it. I could barely remember anything at all from my life. I found out I couldn't imagine Cho's or Rigsby's face, nor VanPelt's... I couldn't hear the laughter of Tommy in my head. But I was too weak to care, to weak to panic. It was like I was slowly disappearing. I was almost nothing... People say they want to be transparent in situations but now I felt like I was literally transparent. It was horrible but I couldn't think about it with the fog that filled my mind._

_The last thing I heard, probably the only thing that kept me alive in that terrible moment, the thing that made me want to fight for my life even more was Patrick Jane's broken, desperate whisper in my ear._

_"Please don't leave me...I love you Teresa!"_

* * *

I always believed in heaven and God. My parents were religious and I went to cCatholic school. We went to church together every Sunday, my brothers and I sometimes a bit reluctantly, but we were there every Sunday, and we listened to the priest's words carefully. When I was upset, the usual sounds of the church, the even tone of the priest always gave me release, calmed me down and consoled me every time.

After my mother died, church was the only place where I could find peace. I needed it, just like I needed to believe in God, in the thought of someone bigger and better than all of us who would look out for us even when we were deep down in our sadness. The thought of God gave me hope, that it would eventually get better, that there was someone to protect us when nothing seemed right anymore.

I needed the thought of a caring, larger force, mostly when my dad started being abusive. I never told anybody about it, could never talk about all those times he hit me. Neither of those times when I intentionally stood in front of my little brothers to keep our father from hurting them.

When times were really bad, I went to church. Sometimes I didn't go inside. I couldn't with my swollen face or bruised cheeks. No, somebody would have noticed it, and I couldn't allow that to happen. So I just squatted down behind the church, near the windows so I could hear the relaxing words of the priest, always encouraging me to forgive and hope for a better day.

The well known psalms, the familiar parts of the Bible, brought back memories of our time together with my family in mass every time. I would sit there, silently, alone, crying in the darkness from the loss of my mother, and from the hurt that my father had caused since then…

After that, when my dad killed himself, I didn't have the strength to go to church for quite a while. Taking care of my brothers took all the power I had, and when Sunday evening came and I heard the low, deep sound of bells I elbowed on the window sill and hoped with all my heart that better days would come.

That's what kept me going, that's what gave me bravery when everything seemed dark and desperate in my world.

I was never afraid of death, mostly because of the same reasons. I believed that there was heaven, that there was a place where all the souls went. And since I lived my life in the spirit of this, I was sure that once I died, I would surely find my way to that place. That once the life left my body, my soul would find peace…

I imagined heaven like a huge, light, ethereal, spacious area where all had their places. I never thought about how people's souls were there, but I was always hoping that my soul would find my mother's. Deep down, I wished to find my dad's too, but my bruises, visible and non-visible, were too fresh to let that thought surface.

So it would be an understatement to say that I was never concerned about dying. I knew that when my time came, I would die as I had to. If it was during a gunfight then I would die of a shot, if it was because of an illness then I would die weakly in bed. Of course, I hoped, that I was destined to live a long, happy life and die when death meant only the rest after a long, long life for me...

I wasn't upset about the thought of dying, not like so many people. I considered it as part of nature, part of life. Everybody had to die. It could be considered as maturity, but I always regarded things like that. I faced death every day as a CBI agent, and even though there were times when it was too cruel and unnecessary to stay neutral or think about it as something natural, I wasn't afraid of my own ending.

That is why it shook me deeply, even in my almost unconscious state, when I was hardly aware of where I was, that I found myself terrified of dying. I realized that I didn't want to go yet, that I wasn't satisfied with an ending like this. I wasn't willing to let go of my life and all the things that came with being alive.

I didn't stop believing in God, or in a final place of solace, but I felt the urge to grasp the last strands of hope that connected me to my life, fighting against my death like I knew I still had some unfinished business.

I was at a place somewhere between death and life, and I didn't know much of anything right then. But if anybody asked me where I was headed, I would tell them that I wanted to live. There was a weird worry deep inside me, one that gave me the idea that I should just go on and find my peace forever, but in the same time, caused me to make up my mind completely and force my eyes open again..

* * *

One moment it was all silent: I couldn't hear a thing, and in the next all hell broke loose. It was so loud and so bright. The light above me was blinding, and the yells of people around me mixed with the various beepings and high, offensive noises of machines.

The pain burned in my side, like a maddening fire. I've never found it so hard to take just one breath of air before. My eyelids opened heavily and I instantly wished I didn't open them in the first place. What I saw in the second I looked around was a pair of crystal blue eyes full of dread and never-ending regret gazing at me through a thick layer of tears. I didn't want to see that. I couldn't watch it without being able to do anything to stop it.

My eyes didn't see anything else, just him, only him. His sad eyes, his slack, crushed posture, his wrinkled suit as he perched on the edge of a chair.

Then I realized that we were moving. It was quite fast and steady, a regular motion that made me think that we were in a car. As I forced my eyes away from Jane, I saw a paramedic sitting on a seat too. Another doctor was standing next to me, bending down so he could check on my pulse. His light press at my neck hurt me more than it should have.

I gasped around the lump in my throat, barely able to catch a lungful of air before I felt my side stinging and aching.

A hand gripped mine in a bone breaking way and I turned my eyes back to Jane. He was now leaning closer to me, his eyes alert and hopeful. And I knew in that moment that this is why I had chosen to open my eyes again. It didn't matter how badly my entire body hurt, I had to see his glinting eyes. His whole appearance, his gentle face, his blond curls, his caring eyes seemed to draw me to him, physically. I tried to lift my upper body despite the ache in my side. Anything to be near him...

That is when I felt like I would be tear apart. My chest tightened and before I could say anything my lungs were too closed up to take another breath. I fell back on the bed, black spots dancing in front of my eyes.

"She's collapsing!" I heard unfamiliar voices shout.

I wanted to open my eyes just once more, only to see his blue eyes before I went, because I was fairly sure that this was the end, but I couldn't force them.

My back arched when somebody touched my side, and even though I knew I must have been given a lot of drugs, it was like they were pushing hundreds of knives into me. My heart quickened even more, and I was positive my chest would explode any minute.

I heard yelling again, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. All I could hear was the crazy thud of my pulse and the desperate little words Patrick Jane whispered through his sobs, right into my ear. Begging me to stay alive, to fight for my life. And I would. I wanted to fight, and I would do anything in the world that Jane asked me to do, especially when his voice was on the edge of insane crying. But I couldn't. I was so frustrated, so angry, at my own body for not allowing me to open my eyes one more time, to console him, to reassure him that he would be okay, even if I wasn't there anymore...

Then I couldn't hear his voice anymore. He was probably dragged away by the paramedics who were busy keeping me alive. I wanted to tell them to let Jane back, let him soothe me with his tender words, but as soon as these thoughts formed in my head, darkness swallowed me again.

The black mass seemed to swirl around me in enormous, wide waves. It was everywhere, and I couldn't touch or see it. It was there, yet it wasn't... Just twirling and rolling around me, dark and deep and full and yet nothing at the same time.

I wanted to extend my hands and swim in it, but I was just flowing, swiftly, smoothly in it. It never seemed to end, and I was just there, floating without any direction. But I felt that it wasn't good for me. I wanted direction, I wanted to move towards a destination, not just be in this nameless darkness. I didn't let go and I concentrated really hard the fact that I needed a way to go back to my annoying, childish consultant with his magical blue eyes.

It took some time, or at least for me it felt like a long time, but finally it started to clear up. It was slowly getting brighter and when I realized something was happening, it wasn't just black anymore, it was more like gray.

Then, suddenly it was over. It was neither black or gray, not even white for that matter.

I was sitting in the well-known CBI car, the SUV I always used. I drove on a narrow, old road, with no other car in sight. When I heard movement on my right, I glanced there, and surprisingly I found Cho sitting next to me, riding shotgun. He caught my eyes and his raised eyebrow made me realize that I had to watch the road. I turned my head back, but a question was still bothering me.

"Am I dead?" I asked, and it really just slipped out somehow, because even I found it ridiculous to ask such a question.

"Well, would I be here if you were?" he asked back matter-of-factly, his voice neutral.

"I-I...don't know, Cho. I suppose not." I admitted, totally confused. I had no idea how I ended up here with Kimball Cho.

He wasn't dead after all, or as far as I knew, he wasn't. So if I was dead, I was supposed to meet dead people. My mom, my dad, Angela and Charlotte Jane, other murder victims... Not Cho. So why him?

I was about to ask him when I heard him sigh. I chanced another look in his way, but he stared out of the window.

"Cho?" I called and he looked at me. "Where are we going?"

"I don't know, Boss. The steering wheel is in your hands. Where do you want to go?"

The answer popped up in my head immediately, making my heart ache numbly.

"I want to go back, to Jane..." I told him, though I wasn't sure he would get it.

"Because you love him?" his question was more like a statement, but I felt the urge to protest.  
"I can't," I said simply, pursing my lips.

"Why? I thought you were friends," he said, misunderstanding my answer.

"No, I don't mean I'm not able to. I mean I'm not allowed to," I explained.

"Because of the CBI rules?" Cho asked with a small chuckle.

"No,...I mean yes, but no. That's not the main reason."

"Then what is?"

I sighed desperately. The road was still empty all along, so I didn't have to pay too much attention to it. I couldn't grasp this whole situation right now, how I ended up here, where I was headed, and what on Earth was Cho doing here... But I was grateful for his presence, since he actually asked the right questions. Just like in any interrogation, he chose the ones that needed to be answered to go on with the case, to take the next step towards the solution.

"I'm not sure I have the right to love him," I heard him snort and I quickly continued with my explanation before he could interrupt me. "I mean, he's still in love with Angela, and I can't take him away from her. I don't know if he even sees me like that..." I shrugged, but I felt it in my gut that the last part wasn't entirely true. After all, Jane said it. He said he loved me, didn't he?

"You really don't?" Cho seemed to spot my lie and I didn't even mind.

"Cho, I know that he still loves his wife, and I'm sure he doesn't want to disrespect her memory. I can't force him to do anything, and I don't want my heart broken."

"Isn't it already?" he asked quietly and my eyes widened.

"I...No...yes it is, but..." I stammered, not quite sure of the answer myself.

"Does he make you happy? Make you feel whole again?" he asked and I just nodded, fighting my tears.

"Then, that's your answer. Your heart is already his..."

"But his heart belongs to Angela and Charlotte!" I gripped the steering wheel harder, in an effort to stay strong.

"Don't you think his wife and child would want him to be happy?" Cho asked after a minute.

"I would have to be really dead to know that for sure, right?" I smirked humorlessly.

"If you were in their position, what would you say?"

"I would want him to enjoy his life as much as he can, and find love, and peace and be happy instead of hating himself and being blinded by his revenge," my voice died away and I sniffled.

"See... I'm pretty sure they want the same for him!"

"He was so sad...His eyes were terrified. I have to go back, because he would hate himself even more if I didn't..." I murmured, unshed tears blurring my vision and I knew it was dangerous to drive like this, but I wasn't really driving, I was just sitting there and the car was rolling.

"Then go; it's your choice!" Cho's cheerful voice made me look at him, and he nodded at the road in front of us. I turned my eyes there, and saw a turnout. My lips curved into a smile, and I twisted the steering wheel. "Take care, Boss!" I heard his muted felicitation.

Then he wasn't next to me anymore. I wasn't in the car; I didn't know where I was.

It felt like emerging from under deep water, just lifting up, up towards the sunlight

* * *

I heard the beeping again, I sensed the brightness through my closed eyelids. And I heard the regular breathing beside me.

I peeked, only opening one eye. I noticed a form next to me, slumped into an uncomfortable looking hospital chair, his head resting in his hands, his fingers fisted in his golden curls. Patrick Jane was sitting next to my bed.

He looked exhausted and he didn't seem to realize that I had woken up. He let out a deep sigh and I heard his trembling exhale. It broke me to pieces to see him this hopeless. I wanted to reach out, to touch him, just caress his face, just reassure him that it's all going to be all right. Only when I attempted to lift my hand did I see the IV tube in my arm.

The pain started to reappear in my body, stinging everywhere. First just an itch, then it grew with the second until it was a merciless burning, tearing my side apart, making it almost impossible for me not to scream at the top of my lungs.

But instead I focused on the man sitting beside my bed, still oblivious to the fact that I was awake. I swallowed, every movement hurting, but I managed the strength to croak weakly.

"Jane!"

**And, this was it! What do you think? Good? Bad?  
Please please leave me a review and tell me your opinion! Your words are appreciated, every review makes my day brighter!  
Also, I hope no one had any problem with the religious stuff in it… I just thought that Lisbon might have these sort of views…  
I know there wasn't so much things happening here, but I wanted this part to see a little bit of Lisbon's inner fight and her thoughts… I promise there will be a load of important happenings in the next chapter! ;)  
Thank you for reading and reviewing! You are all so amazing! Love you guys!  
I will try to update soon!  
Until then, xxx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey Everyone! Here is the new chapter! I would like to thank all of you for reading the story, and every single one of you who wrote me even a tiny little review! You are so amazing! I tried to answer all of you… And I truly hope that you realize how much it means to me that you read my story, and even more if you take time to review! :) You guys make my days better and my life so much brighter!  
Now, this chapter haven't been corrected yet, I just wanted to update it today… Of course, I will change the chapter to the corrected version once my beta sends it to me, and I tried to check for mistakes myself. Though I can't guarantee that there aren't any errors in it, and I apologize for them, and also thank you in advance for your understanding!  
So, onto the chapter, I really hope you will like it! (Be warned, it's angsty!) :)**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own The mentalist…_

"Jane!" my voice was rasp, unfamiliar to my own ears. Even though the room was deadly silent, I didn't know how he heard it, because it was nearly inaudible. But his head snapped up instantly, his eyes racing over my body until finally, he settled on my face.

Now that I could get a glimpse of his face, I saw the trails of tears on his cheeks, his blue eyes puffy, his face worn out.

However, the moment he looked at me, his eyes glimmered with joy and relief. There was a huge amount of hidden regret and guilt in the back of them, but for that second, he was happy.

He pulled his chair as close to my bed as he could, and not bothered about the infusion tube, he gently grabbed my hand.

"Lisbon, thank God you're awake..." he murmured and bent his face, so he was hovering right above me. My heart beating shot up to the sky, and much to my embarrassment, the machines recording my signals were showing it too. Jane didn't notice though, or if he did, he didn't let me know. He just leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on my right cheek. It was too far from my lips to consider it a missed shot, and I gave him a little smile, trying to hide my disappointment.

"You okay?" I asked, still having a hard time forcing out a normal sound.

He chuckled darkly, swaying his head.

"You were shot in the side because of me, you almost didn't make it, and still here you are, asking if I am okay..."

"Jane..." I whispered, chiding him for thinking like that, and also pushing him to say that he was all right. I needed to hear it.

"Of course I'm fine! I worried myself sick for you, but apart from that, I'm perfectly fine." he stated, guilt shimmering in his eyes.

"It's not your fault!" I told him calmly, but I saw that it did nothing to convince him. "You didn't pull that trigger!" I tried again.

"No, but you were there because of me!" he said bitterly.

"No, I was there because I made the decision to go there, and save your ass! Seems like I succeeded..." I smiled lightly.

"Yeah, and it almost cost your life!" he shut his eyes closed in horror.

"I think it was worth it..." I whispered softly.

His eyes opened and I saw his pained look. Maybe I should delay trying to convince him that he was no way guilty in this!, I decided.

"Did my bullet kill him?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Who?" he asked back, completely caught off guard by my question.

"Who? Red John... Who is the only one I could talk about?" I teased him, but had to find out it was a bad idea, after his face fell more. There was something wrong, and I felt it. Seeing his tensed shoulders gave me a weird concern.

"Your shot killed that guy all right, but he wasn't Red John, my dear." he shook his head simply, and for a moment I thought I would pass out.

"_What?_" I asked sharply "What do you mean it wasn't him?"

"It wasn't. He sent there one of his 'friends'..." he muttered coldly, his face stern.

"But...I don't understand. He said he was Red John..." I just couldn't believe that this all was for nothing. Or almost nothing.

"Yeah, and so what? Timothy Carter claimed to be Red John too, and I believed him, yet he wasn't."

"But... How do you know?" I asked, unconvinced by his words. I felt like he wanted to deny that it was him and it angered me. Why couldn't it be Red John? Why couldn't it be over already?

I suffered, I fought, and I pulled that trigger with the thought that it was finally over. Whether I lived to see it, or not, Jane would be saved and this whole Red John crap would be over!

And now I had to accept that it wasn't even him. Jane better gave me a pretty damn good reason to believe it...

"First of all, if he were Red John, he wouldn't have left your gun down there with me, when he dragged you upstairs. Then he wouldn't have left it in the kitchen when he took me outside. If he was Red John, he wouldn't have missed his shot, and we would both be dead by now."

I stared quietly into the air in front of me. He was right. It couldn't have been Red John. The plan seemed perfect, the whole tea drinking and torturing part... Completely suited Red John. But now that I thought about it, this guy just wasn't paying enough attention. He didn't think about me standing up and jumping to the door, and that's why he never locked it in the first place. And the kitchen was full of knives, he should have thought about that too...

My eyes watered again, tears burning their ways until I couldn't hide them anymore. My physical pain was getting stronger and I was just so tired. This all was so frustrating, and I wanted some time away from it. I wanted it so badly. Just a few minutes when I wasn't thinking about Red John, or death, or pain, or the sound of two shots and the following panic, that what if I missed my shot! I couldn't think about anything else though, I couldn't simply drift away and have some peace in my own bubble... There was no bubble. This was the harsh reality, and I had to deal with it.

"Don't cry..." I heard Jane's smooth voice muttering and for a moment I let myself believe that his tone was my bubble. I bathed in his voice, the gentleness in it, until I could, but when the silence grew too long and I was still crying I knew it wouldn't work.

"Why couldn't it be him? I thought it was finally it. That it was over..." I sniffled and my voice was dripping with disappointment. I didn't say it why I wanted it to end so much, but I was sure Jane had his guesses.

"We will get him, I promise. Though, Lisbon, this is not your fight. You have to stay out of it!" he said and though his hand squeezed mine in a comforting way, his words just shut me out.

"It's my fight too." I muttered the words, and he stood up. When I looked at him with a surprised expression, I saw a dark flash of anger and guilt in his eyes. His forehead wrinkled and he twisted one of his hands with the other helplessly.

"It can't be!" he hissed and stepped away from my bed. I felt lonely and abandoned in that second, and I just wanted him back.

I let out a few new tears before I wiped my eyes, and that's when he broke. He shook his head and backed to the door. I wanted to shout at him, plead with him to come back and don't leave me alone, but he already turned and had his hand on the doorknob.

"I'll let the guys know you woke up. They were in the waiting room since you've been brought in. They are worried, and probably can't wait to see you..." he said, still having his back to me, speaking like that. He waited for another second before he left the room.

I took a breath to calm my ragged breathing before my team members would arrive. My side was stretching and burning and I looked around, searching for that little button I knew would be there somewhere next to my bed. I found it quickly, and I pressed it, giving myself a bit of painkiller. One thing I learned from last time I had been shot, is that never ever let the pain be so strong that you can't think straight, before you take the painkiller. I tried to be so tough back then, never taking the painkillers, and it was living hell! I was not going to do it again...

Then my attention swiftly got distracted when I heard a soft knock on the door, and my team entered, one by one. I watched them as they all walked in, Jane was the last, staying behind. My heart melted at the sight of my agents, all so caring about my well being. VanPelt's eyes were red and she still looked shaken. She sniffled when our eyes met, but she sent me a warm smile.

Rigsby had a bouquet of flowers in his hands and he was standing next to the redhead, supporting her. His eyes were worried as he watched me.

Cho, my always so cool agent, had the most fearful expression on his face that I've ever seen from him. His eyes were sparkling with emotion, and I felt like crying again, because they were all here, just for me. I was so lucky to have them...

My pain long forgotten, I let a genuine smile spread on my face and I waved them closer. VanPelt was the first one to move as she came to me, and she held my hand in hers.

"We were so worried, Boss. And, I'm so sorry I went home...I should have stayed..." she muttered, a deep blush coloring her cheeks.

"Grace, don't you ever think about that. Even if you didn't go home, you couldn't have been with me. I sent the guys away too... And I'm fine now, so there is no need to worry!" I told her firmly, and when she looked into my eyes I heard her thankful exhale. I just couldn't believe how could she blame this on herself...

She then sat down next to my bed on a chair, and turned her head towards the boys. Her eyebrow raised expectantly, and I repressed a chuckle as I saw Rigsby's resigned shrug. The man stepped closer and self-consciously cleared his throat.

"I'm glad you're okay, Boss!" he stuttered, then put the flowers on my bedside table.

"Thank you Rigs, the flowers are beautiful!" I smiled at him, happy to see his shoulders relax.

At last, I looked at Cho. Seeing him reminded me of my weird hallucination, or God knows what. I knew he wasn't the man of words, but I also saw in his eyes just how much he cared. The small wince on his face told me what he was feeling, and I felt tears in my eyes again. I was so... Touched. By their concern, by their hope and trust in me.

My train of thought was cut off when Cho stepped to the end of my bed, and put his hand on the railing above my leg.

"You should have called for back up!" he said professionally, a stoic mask now on his face. But his eyes gave him away, the hidden meaning behind his words clear.

I grinned and nodded. That was fair.

"I'm happy that you are fine, though..." he muttered, and my smile widened.

"Thanks Cho, I'm happy to see all of you too!" I said and I looked at them. My team. My loyal, brave, badass team. I was lucky indeed...

Then I glanced at Jane, but he was busy staring at his feet. Avoiding any contact with the people in the room.

Well, at least he was there. I could just talk with him a bit later. When the effect of the painkiller wasn't clouding my brain, and the rest of the team wasn't in there with us, chatting and trying to entertain me.

I just hoped he wouldn't flee and shut me out, but give me the opportunity.

* * *

Almost an entire week passed by without me acknowledging it. I spent my days reading and doing my physical therapy. I was still in hospital, but my doctor told me I would get released in three days.

My team stopped by every day, bringing me sweet little nothings, that I was so grateful for. Jane spent most of his afternoons beside my bed, and was happy to accompany me in my short walks around the hospital, when I was healed enough to go. He sometimes sneaked in some coffee or chocolate for me. The first few nights he argued with the nurses, until they let him stay in my room, and he sat beside my bed all night long.

But never once did he let me bring up that sensitive subject. He was there with me, babbling about everything he saw or heard of that day, filling me in on the latest case, or just telling me the newest rumour in the CBI. But he didn't even mention that night, let alone those fateful words he whispered to me. The words that made me want to fight for my life even harder.

And it was driving me nuts. Every moment that I was alone, my thoughts went back to that night. And I wondered why did he say those words. I could hear he meant them. Or didn't he? I didn't know what to do, should I confront him about it, or just tell him how I feel, or forget it- not that I could ever do...

Some nights I woke up, covered in sweat, panic rising in my chest and a scream threatening to burst out of me. Those were the worst times, the hardest to understand why Jane is so determined to deny what he said. Those nights I wished he was there with me, holding me close to him, loving me just as he said.

And one day, when he sauntered in my room without knocking, his trademark grin lighting up his features, I couldn't let him avoid the subject anymore. Before he could start his usual review of the day, I sat straighter up in my bed and fixed my searching eyes on him.

"Jane, why are you doing this?" I asked him seriously while he sat down into his usual seat next to me.

"What? Visit you? I thought you needed some company besides the lovely nurse and your doctors. Also, I don't have anything else to do..." he said lightly.

"You know what I mean..." I scowled.

"I have no idea, dear!" he held up his hands in surrender, but I saw the gleam in his eyes.

"Why are you avoiding so much to talk about what you said? About what did you mean?" I asked, deciding not to beat around the bush.

"When?" he still played the know-nothing.

"That day, when that guy shot me. Just before I fainted..." I said, unresponsive to his confused mask.

"What did I say?" he asked innocently, and I sucked in a sharp breath as déja vu hit me with the force of an elephant.

"Oh no Jane! You don't get to do that again! No, not right now, not like this..." I snapped, my voice raising with each word.

"Lisbon..." he muttered, his pretend falling apart as pain slipped into his voice.

"You said you loved me..." I said harshly, my tone dry and I found myself unable to look away from his eyes. Jane swallowed before he opened his mouth to speak.

"I did?" he asked, still intending to act like he didn't remember.

"Yeah." I nodded, with the hope in my heart that for once, he would take responsibility for his words and be honest with me.

"I guess I could have said that." he admitted and my eyes widened. My heart fluttered and I fisted a handful of the sheet in my hand in anticipation. "I mean, you _are_ my best friend Lisbon, and I care about you. I suppose that's why I said it, to reassure you of my friendship and to let you know that you can not die and leave me alone." he said and fresh tears welled up in my eyes. My lungs closed up and I fought with the lump in my throat. "I don't know what you thought, how else could I mean it?" he raised his eyebrow and it felt like he was mocking me.

"Yeah, how else..." I murmured and blinked back my tears. I lay back on my pillow, feeling like a puddle of mud. My heart shattering into tiny pieces in my chest. The rejection hurting me much worse than any physical pain could be. "Jane? I'm really tired. Could you leave me alone, please?" I forced out softly, normally like he didn't just crush me with his words. I didn't look in his way though, my eyes on the ceiling above me.

I was on the verge of sobbing, but I wouldn't let it out until he was there. I wouldn't let him see my misery...

"Uh, yes, of course!" I heard his voice, and the creak of his chair as he stood. Then his steps sounded before he opened the door. "Bye Lisbon!" he said and exited.

I pursed my lips together, and when I heard the click of the closing door I let my tears flow down my cheeks uncontrollably.

I curled into a ball on the bed, my arms sneaking around my sides, hugging myself as I shook violently. My eyes were hurting from my salty tears, but I couldn't stop them, they kept rushing down my face to disappear onto the pillow, or the blanket.

My wound was stretched in this position, the ache was unbelievable. I couldn't care less though, it crossed my mind, that it would be better just to die.

I wasn't sure my life was worth living like this. These slaps from the iron hand of life were my reminders not to hope, not to fall in love...

Mostly not with the wrong guy. I seriously didn't know what was I thinking, falling for Patrick Jane when I was completely aware of the fact that he wouldn't feel the same way. That my attraction to him couldn't be mutual.

I ignored it so long, repressed my feelings for him, that it became a built up, daydream world for me. A world where I could hope, that one day he would try to move on, and that on that day maybe he would see me.

But it seemed like I could never wake up from this Red John nightmare. And over the years, this hunt became more intense, more dangerous. And as Jane got more and more determined to catch the killer, and Jane and I got closer together, somehow this became my fight too. Only, I wasn't fighting for his revenge, but for the idea that maybe once this was over he would try to move on, that I would have a chance...

Well, a girl can dream, right?

I should have expected to eventually fall. It was inevitable. After all, why would Patrick Jane see anything more than a friend in me? And I felt so bad for even wanting him to see me differently. Why couldn't I be happy with what I've got? Why did my stupid heart swell and flip every time he smiled at me, or accidentally touched me...?

I was breathless, gasping for air while my sobs bubbled out, escaping my mouth unstoppably. The ends of my hair was getting wet from the tears, my pillow soaked.

My eyes were squeezed shut, and I willed my brain to stop throwing images, and thoughts at me.

I didn't want to think. Or move. Or be aware of the world around me. I wanted to stop feeling altogether.

I didn't want to hear his rejecting words in my mind over and over again, the lethal way he pushed me away without even noticing.

No, that is not right. He noticed all right, that something was wrong, he just didn't know what.

I just sank deeper into my sadness with every passing second, and I ended up crying myself to a restless, fuzzy sleep.

**This was it! What do you think? Good? Bad?  
Please please tell me your opinion, and write me a small review! I tend to get really worried that some of you don't like what I write sometimes… So every single word you write makes me happier!  
I just happen to be in a horrible writer's block, and I can't for the life of me figure out what the next story should be about. This story will end soon, I think there are 2-3 more chapters, and I really would like to write something else, but inspiration just keeps avoiding me. So, if anyone has any idea… Anything specific, or just the type of story you would like to read, I would be happy to read your thoughts!  
Thank you again for reading, and you know how much I would love to hear your opinion about this chapter! So please review! It would definitely make my day happier! :)  
I will try to update the next chapter soon, and for those of you who has been craving some fluff (okay, okay I was craving it too!) it will be a really good chapter! So, romantic fluff coming in the next chapter! :)  
Until then, xxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey everyone! Here is the brand new chapter, actually (apart from the epilogue) the last one in this story… I would like to thank every single one of you, you are the best readers I could possibly hope for! I absolutely love you guys, and you know that all your reviews make my heart melt, and my day much more happier! A special thanks goes to that someone who reviewed last chapter as a guest, even though I couldn't answer you, I read it and thank you for taking time to review! :)  
You guys are all a huge inspiration, and really I am so grateful…  
But you probably would all be grateful if I stopped babbling and yu could read the story, right? :) Okay, okay… So only one more thing: This chapter isn't corrected yet either, and as the previous one, I went over it myself and I will change it for the corrected version when my beta sends it to me. I hope there aren't so many mistakes in it, if there are some, I apologize… :)  
Now, here comes the chapter! I really really hope you will like it!**

_Disclaimer: With a deep sigh I always have to admit, that this wonderful show is not mine. All the rights goes to CBS and Bruno Heller…_

My remaining days in hospital were boring, and eventless. The usual visits of my doctor, the hourly check-ins from the nurses, and the daily physical therapy session, which was needed to help my side heal perfectly.

Ocassionally VanPelt dropped by to say hi, or Cho stopped on his way to the victim's family to ask my opinion about the case. But never once, did Jane visit me after that day. I was sort of relieved though, since I wasn't sure how I would react to him.

It still felt horrible, when I thought about him, and a chill was running through me every time I remembered the night that I was shot. His whispered words burned in my memory, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forget it.

I just wished I could go home already. I did everything in my power to heal faster, did excercices, even on my own when my trainer wasn't around. I was starting to feel better physically, but my heart was still throbbing with pain.

I decided that when I get back to work, even if it's only office work, with freaking piles of paperwork to do, I would feel better, I would forget easier. That if my days are occupied with work, my heartbreak won't hurt so much. That if I get home exhausted, only having enough strenght left to shower and go to bed, maybe I won't be thinking about Jane and different turns of 'what if...'

Because practically locked up in that hospital, I came up with every possibe ending to that terrible day. Painful or not, I kept imagining how Jane really meant the words, that he loved me the way I loved him, and he wasn't afraid to feel again until Red John was alive... Sometime along this three days, I stopped crying. I didn't know if I was even capable of producing any more tears after I cried myself to sleep night after night, and sobbed pathetically, trembling in my hospital bed every time I remembered his almost amused voice, as he asked me the question that broke me inside. 'How else could I mean it?' He asked it so casually, so simply like there really was no other choice, no other way to mean that three little word.

On the day I was released it rained like crazy. I woke up to heavy drops of water hitting the window of my room, dim light filtering in from the corridor. It was only 6 o'clock, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I lay on my back, listening to the storm outside, wondering if I would get drenched while I went home. I probably would, since I didn't have an umbrella with me.

VanPelt brought me clothes the other day, and when it was around 10, I got up and put them on. It was strange. Wearing my own clothes, comfortable and familiar. It even smelled like home.

I could move without much pain now. There was a sting in my side every time it stretched too much, but I was able to walk and do everyday stuff. So just to spend my time, I strolled in the hospital, or at least in the part where I was allowed to go. I went to the cafeteria, then I realized I didn't have any money so I just paced the corridors without direction.

I ended up getting lost, and I had to ask a nurse where my room was. I found it interesting how I could lose my ability to find my way, when my thoughts were away in a dream world. After I returned to my room, I lay back on the bed, my hands on my stomach, and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate solely on the sounds of rain.

Cho and Rigsby knocked on my door early in the afternoon. I greeted them with a huge smile, incredibly glad that I could finally talk to someone.

"VanPelt wanted to come too, but she had family business and couldn't. Though she sends her love, and says that she can't wait to have you back at the CBI!" Cho said, and I couldn't help but grin on the way his forehead wrinkled because he had to deliver this message.

"Thank you. And thanks for picking me up, you don't know how much it means..." I told them, not caring how cheesy it sounded. I grabbed the few things that I had with me, all of them gifts from the guys.

"It means you can go home!" Rigsby joked and I chuckled at how true that was. If it wasn't for them, I couldn't really go anywhere.

"Right." I muttered and turned to the door where they were waiting for me. "We can go!" I said and stepped to the door, looking back once more at the room before I exited. So many things had happened in here, that suddenly I was breathless, I was taken aback with all the memories of agony and different kinds of pain I felt in this room.

Then I tore my eyes away from the bed, and stepped forward, intending to move on and forget, come clear with my life and focus on what I had instead of what I couldn't have...

When Cho stopped the car in front of my building half an hour later, it was still raining cats and dogs. A loud thunder followed by a lightning intermitted me while I said my goodbyes to the boys. Then, I jumped out of the car, and made a run for my apartment. Cho waited until I stepped into the loft, and he only drove off when I was inside, closing the door. It felt odd to be looked after by my agents, but also very heart warming.

Then, with a breath I turned, and faced my home. It was wonderful to finally be home, though suddenly it was like I only left a couple of hours ago. My high heels, that I wore on our undercover mission were still kicked to the side, next to the door, and my purse was exactly where I left it on the couch. I felt the tingling need for a good bath, so I walked to the bathroom, where I found my towel discarded on the edge of the tub.

After I started a bath, I put my things from hospital down on the kitchen counter and quickly got rid of my clothes. As nice as it felt to wear my own clothes, I was craving to feel the hot water around me.

I slipped into the tub with ease and closed my eyes once inside. I sat there until the water was getting cold, then I got out and snuggled into my couch under a warm blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate and an old book. The rain was softer outside, and I stared into nothing for a second, just listening to it before I opened the book. I felt peachy now, that I was in my own apartment. Not thinking about Jane, and his words, and his eyes...

My heart was still sore, but the silence and the cozy feeling of my couch around me convinced me that I would be all right. That I would come around. The idea of living my life didn't seem so impossible as three days ago. And that was enough for now.

The story of the book was sucking me in, like a black hole, making me forget all about my problems. That was mainly why I chose to read it right then. It became a ritual thing for me, when I was upset and sad to read this book. Every time it managed to get me totally oblivious of the world around me, and times like this, that what what I needed. To forget who and where I was, and only concentrate on the characters and the intriguing story they were telling.

When the light wasn't enough to see the words anymore, I closed the book and pushed myself off the couch. I shivered as the chilly air met my skin, and I pulled the blanket around my shoulders. I realized how long it had been since I last ate, when my stomach grumbled louldy. I wandered to the kichen and opened my fridge. With a grimace I noted that it was empty, apart from a half-brown banana and two eggs. I took them out, and while I nibbled the banana, I prepared myself an omlet. My movements were automatical, my thoughts somewhere else, still in the world of my book. When the eggs were ready, I put them on a plate and sat down at the table. It wasn't much, but it was something. And I decided to go for grocery shopping tomorow in the morning, since it was too late to go out now.

I pondered how could the old book always give me comfort. Even after the thousandth reading, it still had the same effect on me. I was completely dumbstruck, unable to think, my brain blisfully numb. All I managed to think about, was the amazing story and the heartfelt monologue some characters had.

I got the book when I was first-year at the Academy. Ever since then, it was my secret switch to another world, when I felt down. It helped me through some very hard days, and it still guided me away from my pain.

As soon as I was done with my impromptu dinner, I went back to my couch, and plopped down into the cushions. I searched for the remote to turn on the Tv, because my eyes were too tired to read. It was getting rather late, and I ended up watching, without much interest, one of the late night talkshows.

* * *

I fell asleep on my couch. I wasn't sure when, but the television was still on when I woke up in the morning.

It was still raining outside, and I found it ironic that it was like Mother Nature wanted to replace my tears that I couldn't cry anymore. I sure as hell felt under the weather, but at least I managed not to think about _him_.

Putting on a sweatshirt and jeans, I grabbed my umbrella and went shopping on foot. My car was still... Well, I wasn't exactly sure where my car was, since I left it in front of Jane's house, but I could have swore, that VanPelt mentioned that they went to pick it up with Risgby. So maybe, it was at the CBI. I made a mental reminder to call VanPelt later.

The nearest store was a few streets away, and even though I had an umbrella, by the time I got there my shoes were soaked. I entered the shop with a relieved sigh, and quickly got some food along with a bottle of red wine and paid for it all. It didn't take me ten minutes, and I was on the streets again, shielding myself from the heavy raindrops with my umbrella. My shoes felt like walking in a puddle, but all I wanted was to get home already.

When I finally fell into my apartment, dropping the umbrella by the door, I stripped my socks down and barefoot I walked around the counter to put the goods in the fridge.

Then, realizing I couldn't stand the silence anymore, I put on some music. I found a CD with old favorites, my high school best friend gave me the homemade album, full of songs we used to love. With a half smile I put it into the player and listened to the familiar chords as the first song came on. It made me remember on the few occasions in my teen years that I was actually, honestly happy.

I sank down on the floor, leaning my back to the couch as I listened, and suddenly all that I tried so hard to repress in the last days came crashing down on me.

He didn't want me and it made me feel completely miserable. My heart hurt with every beat and I just clutched my knees tighter against my chest. Patrick Jane. My irritating, arrogant, smug consultant who harassed everybody important. And yet, he made me fall for him harder than I ever fell for anyone. I was so naïve. Like a teenage girl with her first crush, believing that I would have a chance with him.

And I knew I would do it for him, if he only needed me as a friend, then no matter how much it would tear me apart, I would be there for him as a friend. Bearing the everyday longing and the loneliness just to be near him, to be his shelter, his savior when he needed me.

_Get it together, Teresa!,_ I scolded myself angrily. I was a big girl, I would get over it. A sudden wave of anger washed over me, and I narrowed my eyebrows. Who was Patrick Jane to make me feel like this? Who the hell was he to break me down like this? My thoughts turned furious, until I disappointedly realized that he was just him. He was exactly the man who had my heart, and that was why he could destroy me with one look, one word, in one second.

I shook my head and stood up from the ground. My hands were trembling, I wasn't sure if it was because of the swiftly dissolving anger or my sadness. I marched to the kitchen, and dug all the food out of the sack, putting them carefully next to each other on the counter. I looked over them and decided that I certainly couldn't remember a time when this many rations were in my kitchen. Usually, I was out of anything eatable, the only traces of eating in my house were always the half-empty take out boxes, or the flattened pizza boxes in the trash. Then, I grabbed the ones belonging to the fridge and arranged them inside, welcoming the cool air that came from the refrigerator.

My kitchen seemed stuffed in a sudden. I looked around with a satisfied sigh. Finally, it looked like a human being was living in my apartment! After I packed everything into its place I started to think about my options of lunch. It was getting late, and I knew that I would get hungry eventually. And now, that my kitchen had all the ingredients I could think of, I wanted to cook something special. Something more difficult and complicated than a simple pasta. Which in fact I hardly ever made since I never had pasta at home, but it wasn't the point…

So, I paused for a minute and thought over the recipes I knew by heart. I didn't want to search for a recipe book, even though I knew I had one somewhere, hidden between the other books on the shelves. I just didn't quite know where it was, as I never used it. Not for many years.

I decided with roasting some chicken breast with parmesan cheese and broccolis. It would engage my attention and distract me from my thoughts for a while. It always helped me when I was younger, suffering from the bruises my father caused, or just having a rough time with my brothers. I used to cook this meal occasionally, sometimes with more vegetables, sometimes, when we wanted to celebrate, accompanied by a little dessert.

I washed my hands at the sink, my brain picking up the lyrics of the song in the background without thinking. I hummed along the music quietly, all the while preparing the chicken and washing the broccolis.

It took me more than thirty minutes just to finish preparing and putting it all together. Then I pushed it into the oven and stepped back with a long exhale. I wiped my face with the back of my hand, feeling small drops of sweat form on my forehead. I worked in record time, faster than ever. I just hoped I didn't leave anything out.

I collapsed on a chair and put my elbows on the table. I had an hour before I needed to look at the food. The CD stopped a few moments ago and I was sitting in silence. I noticed that it wasn't raining anymore, though as I glanced out the kitchen window, I saw that the clouds were still dark, promising more rain, probably a storm later.

My nerves, which felt so tired of everything before, were now a tiny bit more relaxed. Thanks to the mix of the cooking and the beloved old music, they weren't stretched to the edge of tearing, and I let my eyelids close. Just for a second, I was free. Free of it all, flying with the birds, so light. Nothing could stop me.

The slight pain in my side broke me out of my trance, and I reached for my bag. I found the small bottle of painkillers the doctor gave me, and eyed it before I put it down on the table. The ache was really small, and I wouldn't take any meds while it was so easy to pass by. I wouldn't wait until it was too bad either, but right now I felt too happy about my moment of freedom, too homey to take the drugs. I could just think about the broccoli and the cheese and the pain would be dismissed...

I bent my head into my hands and listened to the soft sound of roasting behind me. Until two small knocks on my front door interrupted the quietude.

My head snapped up, my eyes searching for something that would reassure me that I was still at home, I was safe, I had no reason at all to freak out.

My heart started to race involuntarily as I stood and strolled to the door. _It couldn't be him, it couldn't_… I tried to convince myself that there was no way, that Jane would visit me. I reached out and grabbed the handle, running my other hand through my hair automatically.

When I swung the door open, my breath hitched in my throat. I almost shut the door in his face in attempt to hide my inner turmoil and the hurt that he caused. I blinked back the tears that immediately welled up in my eyes at his sight. Patrick Jane was standing in my doorway, looking as handsome and charming as ever… There was something in his gleaming blue eyes though, in those endless pools of crystal shone a deep regret, a burning pain, and so much worry that it was impossible to hide. I took a breath slowly, cautiously. Afraid that if I moved too fast, or simply blinked he would be gone in a flash. The air smelled like fresh rain, and the street was covered in fog.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything. Greet him, or just pour every bit of anger and indignity I felt on him. I couldn't get any sound out though, I couldn't move, couldn't think. I just stood there, staring into his ocean blue eyes, begging him not to break me more.

Time stood still, and he seemed so far away even though there was less than five feet between us. I noticed his eyes were raking over me, just like he tried to make sure I was all right. I was torn between wanting to let him know that I would be okay, and yelling at him for just showing up at my place after he hurt me so much.

"Jane..." I whispered, gripping the edge of the door tighter, struggling to keep myself upright.

He took a shaky breath and his eyes wandered back to mine. So many emotions twirled in them. His eyes were silently pleading with me to believe him, to forgive him. On the other hand, I saw how much it hurt him to be there, to look me in the eye. His eyes begged me to push him away, to kick his ass out, never let him back. He seemed torn, and I didn't know what do do about it...

"I lied." he murmured. However, before I had any chance to think about the meaning of his words, he cut my train of thoughts off.

He crossed the distance between us in one long stride, stepping into my apartment as well as into my personal space. His hands grabbed my shoulders firmly, then one of them gently slid up my neck, into my hair, cupping the back of my head. He pulled my face up while he leaned down, making our faces almost touch. When we were only a breath away, he stopped. He inhaled softly, his other hand stroking down my arm, until he found my hand and laced our fingers. Then he crushed his lips to mine. His kiss was heated and tender at once. Desperate and loving. I felt a shiver run down my spine and I raised on my tiptoes to kiss him back. My right arm sneaked around his neck, the other hand clutching at his fingers with as many force as his gripped mine.

Our lips moved together perfectly, sliding against each other in amazing sync. His tongue found its way into my mouth shyly, and I couldn't stop the delighted moan that escaped my mouth. I let him deepen and dominate the kiss, go as far as he felt comfortable with. He tugged our intertwined hands behind my back, and pressed me closer to himself.

I felt his strong, board chest against me, and I nestled to him as tightly as I could. Practically melted into his form, I felt the heat of his body, the heaving of his chest, the racing of his heart.

"I'm sorry!" he whispered when he finally pulled back. He leaned his forehead against mine, our panting breaths mingling. "I'm so sorry that I didn't have the balls to tell you how much I love you!"

My whole body tingled at his words, my eyes still squeezed shut.

"Jane..." I breathed, but he continued.

"I thought I could protect you by leaving you alone, by keeping my distance from you, even if it killed me. I thought I would die when I saw your pained face, that beautiful eyes of yours clouded with the heartbreak I caused. But I thought it would be better... I still think... I just couldn't stay away Teresa, no matter how hard I tried, I can't. I need you more than my next breath of air. And I can't hurt you more. It's not worth it, Red John isn't worth it!" he murmured, his nose nuzzling my cheek, his lips ghosting over my chin. I stood still, unable to move, my legs so weak that his strong arm on my waist was the only thing that kept me on my feet. He pressed multiple kisses on my neck before he spoke again. "Please forgive me Lisbon. I know I don't deserve it, I'm not worthy of your delicate trust, your precious love... But I'm begging you to let me try and be a better man for you!" his voice died away and I felt something wet hitting my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see the glistening trail of a single teardrop on his face.

I brought my hand to his cheek, and gently brushed it off. My smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

"Don't you ever think that you're not worthy of me, you annoying, wonderful man!" I whispered, and I hoped upon hope that he wouldn't flee once he realized what was going on.

"I love you!" he muttered into my hair, and closed his arms around me in a long hug.

"Good, because I won't let you get away with this again..." I chuckled against his collarbone and I felt him shake with laughter. "I love you too, Patrick Jane!" I told him as I looked up at him. His eyes were sparkling like diamonds and he had the most amazing grin on his face I've ever seen. He leaned down and once again our lips met in a sweet kiss.

Once we stopped for oxygen, I stepped back, stumbling further into the flat and Jane followed, closing the door after himself. He never let go of my hand, and he stroked my cheek with his thumb as he smelled deeply into the air.

"Do I smell something delicious roasting?" he asked with one masterly raised eyebrow, and I smirked at his surprised face.

"Yes Jane, but we have an entire hour before that's ready..." I said in a low, sexy tone and his eyes found mine again. His pupils were visibly dilated and I was sure I looked just the same.

"Perfect!" he growled, and gathering me into his arms he kissed me again, his hands tangling in my hair while my arms wound around his neck and I returned his passionate kiss with matching fire. He peppered my chin with open mouthed kisses, scratching his teeth down my neck, making me gasp while he backed me into my bedroom. And as he pushed me towards the bed with a dark grin, he shut the door closed.

**And, this was it… The fluff, just as I promised! :) What do you think? Was it good? Or bad?  
I really hope you liked it! Please please tell me your oppinion, I would love to hear what you think! You know that every single word you write is appreciated, and your reviews are my shining stars and honest inspiration!  
Thank you all for reading, and you even make me more happy if you take your precious time and write a little review to me…:)  
There is one more chapter, and epilogue, just as you could be used to it from me… I don't know what is it with me and epilogues, but after every story they just keep popping up in my head… It's pure romantic, happy fluff, you'll see… I'll try to update it soon!  
Until then, xxx**


	12. Epilogue

**Hi everyone! I know, it's been a bit long, but I've been crazy busy with school and stuff…  
But here I am now, with this slightly shorter epilogue to end this story. Wow, another story ends... It's a strange feeling, but it's all positive, loads of great memories mostly thanks to you guys! :)  
First, I would like to thank you all for your lovely reviews and all the feedback! A huge thanks goes to the readers who left an anonymus review, because I couldn't answer you in a message…  
Just know that you all are appreciated, you are all true inspiration for me, and I would like to tell you how deeply grateful I am to have you guys as readers! You are all amazing! :)  
Thank you for reading, and I really am glad that you seemed to like this story! It means a lot to me!  
This epilogue is pure fluff! And I mean it… It's fluffy fluff! :) To make up for the lot of drama in previous chapters… I think it's needed!  
Also, just as with the previous two chapters, this is not beta-d yet. As soon as my beta corrects it, I will update that version! Although, I tried to check it, english is not my original language, so there might be smaller mistakes. I hope you will forgive me! Thank you! :)  
I really really hope you will like it! Please enjoy! **

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately,I don't own any of the characters, nor the show!_

_Epilogue_

A week later I was sitting in my office, bent over a stack of paperwork. It was just after noon, and the team was getting ready to head out to a scene. I knew I couldn't go with them, but I kept glancing up longingly and watching as they collected their jackets and guns. I looked back at the file in front of me and I sighed. I dropped my pen and stood up. I needed a strong coffee.

I made my way out into the bullpen and VanPelt greeted me with a warm smile, just like every time she saw me since I was back at the office.

"Hi Boss, we got a body!" she told me and I couldn't blame her for her excitement. This was our first case in days, they all must have been bored out of their minds. Not me though, I had tons of paperwork ever since I stepped into my office at the beginning of the week.

"Yes I know, Cho already told me!" I nodded, then looked around. The boys were already out of the office, my guess was they were down in the garage. "Are you taking Jane with you?" I asked, noticing that my consultant wasn't in the bullpen.

Jane and I were just getting to know ourselves in our new found relationship, and we decided to keep it a bit of a secret from the others for now. However, I was almost certain that Cho suspected something, after on my first day he nearly caught us sort of making out in the kitchen... I just had enough time to lean back, but we were standing too close to each other not to notice. I've been much more cautious since then, though Jane did nothing to help me with that, and Cho didn't even mention it. I was extremely thankful for it. Maybe he didn't want himself in an uncomfortable situation like that, or he was only trying to have our backs, but it didn't really matter to me...

"I would, if I could find him!" said Grace and she put on her coat.

"Here I am, dear VanPelt!" I heard Jane's charming voice behind me, and I fought the shiver that run through me. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling like a lovestruck teen girl, and I turned to him.

"I'm not sure I should let you go with poor VanPelt. You would just drive her crazy and put her into uncomfortable situations..." I told him sternly, but with a hint of a joke in my tone. I wanted him to stay in the office with me, and cheer me up during my paperwork, more than anything. But I knew that he should go and see the scene with the team. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't get any work done.

"No need to act like you're not going to miss me, Lisbon! Anyway, I promise I will try to behave..." he teased as he walked past me, brushing my shoulder on his way, and stood next to the redhead agent, who regarded our little bantering with an amused face. "Shall we, Grace?" he asked, and even offered his arm to her. VanPelt grinned, waved goodbye to me and let Jane lead her to the elevator.

I shook my head, but let a smile take over my features. That man... He would be the end of me one day, but until then I was determined to enjoy every second of our time together!  
With a cup of steaming coffee I made my way back to my office, as slowly I could, practically dragging my feet with each step.

As I reached my desk I spotted a tiny slip of paper on the top of my paperwork. I rounded the table and sat down into my chair, putting the cup next to the keyborad of my computer. I looked at the paper which had a message written on it. I held it between my fingers, reading the neat, elegant handwriting.

_"I'm taking you out on a dinner date tonight! I'll pick you up at your place at 8. Wear a dress! Love you!"_

I chuckled at the lack of signature, though I knew for one hundred percent sure who put it there. I would recognise Patrick Jane's lovely letters anytime.

I folded the paper in two and tucked it into my jeans pocket. Then I took a sip of my hot coffee, slightly burning my tongue during the process. I winced and tried to get some cool airinto my mouth, gasping ridiculously. Thank God, that no one saw me... In the matter of minutes though, I was immersed in my work again, leaving the thoughts -and let's be honest, worries- about tonight for later.

* * *

At 7.30, I stumbled into my apartment, almost falling through the door in my rush. Jane would be there to pick me up in half an hour, and I had to shower, and brush my hair, and choose a dress that I could put on... After all, he did warn me to wear a dress, and I would have just ignored him, if I wasn't so damn worried that he would take me to a fancy restaurant with only elegant, rich customers. And I had to do my make-up, and tidy up a little bit in the flat, because I didn't really have the time to do it lately. And I couldn't, for the life of me figure out why was I this anxious over a dinner with Patrick Jane? I mean we were sort of dating for a week, or more like we were together, because there were no real dates. This would be our first real, official date...

Until now he would just drop by with a pizza, or with a movie, or just to say hi and kiss me... And it would all turn into... Ahem, something else.

So maybe that was the reason for my little nervous breakdown. That this was our first date.

As I stood under the shower, enjoying how the water relaxing and loosening my tensed muscles, I realized just how much Jane would love to know that I was freaking out over this dinner thing. Probably, it was one of the reasons why he did it in the first place. I bet he was having a fantastic time while he imagined me running around like a headless chick, collecting my stuff and getting ready!

That was when I decided that I wouldn't go crazy and freak. That I would play it cool, and make his jaw hit the floor. I would nail the night, and even have some fun doing so...

I walked out of the bathroom much more calmer, and stepped to my closet. Opening it, I looked over all the dresses I had, and with a wicked smile my eyes settled on one particular dress. It was the other coctail dress I bought with VanPelt. The blue one, that I first found. I caressed the material with tip of my fingers before I took it out of the closet,, laying it out on my bed.

Yes, that would perfectly do, and I absolutely couldn't wait to wear it and see Jane's reaction. If it would be half as good as to the red dress, then it was already worth it.

Going back to my dresser, I chose light blue lingerie and I decided I would wear my silver-blue heels.

I quickly got ready after that, combing my freshly washed hair into a loose bun, leaving some strands out to frame my face. I applied a hint of make-up, just enough to bring out my eyes, and a breath of light pink lipstick.

I didn't even realize how quickly the time flew by, and I was startled to head three small knocks coming from the front door.

I hurried to the door, slipped into my heels, enjoying how it made me feel taller. Then, taking a huge breath I swung the door open.

"Hey!" I breathed, allowing myself a smile.

"Lisbon, you look breathtakingly beautiful!" he greeted me with wide, blue eyes roaming over me shamelessly, his lips curling into a thousand watt grin.

"Thanks!" I blushed, noticing that he looked wonderful too. He had a dark blue suit on and his facewas freshly shaved. He even had a delicious smell...

"Shall we, my dear?" he extended his hand, and I took it, linking our fingers happily.

I clumsily closed my door with my left hand, while Jane chuckled next to me, never letting my right hand go.

As soon as I tucked the keys into my bag, he tugged me tight to him, and his eager lips pressed a sweet kiss to mine. His soft, gifted tongue entered my mouth, exploring and devouring. I let out a low, delighted moan and as I brushed my own tongue over his he answered with a growl that sounded almost dangerous. He circled his hand around my waist, and I lifted my hand around his shoulders, pressing myself as close to him as I could.

After long minutes of making out, practically against my front door he finally pulled back slightly. We were both gasping heavily, and his eyes bore a hole into mine, looking into the very soul of me.

"We better get going. If we continue this, I'm not sure we ever get to dinner...". He murmured into my ear, and a shiver ran through me as his hot breath hit my neck.

"What a shame it would be..." I whispered seductively, my desire for him cursing through my veins.

"God" he groaned before he crashed his lips to mine again, kissing me lustfully and hard.

This time it was me who broke the kiss, by pushing at his chest until he took a step back. His eyes were sparkling, his pupils dilated, and he had the most loving and caring expression on his face I've ever seen...

"I love you!" I whispered quietly, kind of afraid to say it so directly into his eyes. All my fears disappeared though, when a gentle smile graced his features.

"I love you too Lisbon, oh, you have no idea how much I love you!" he told me sincerely, and to cover my sudden wave of happy tears I stepped away from the door, towards his waiting car.

"We really should get going, so why don't you elaborate that in the car?" I offered teasingly, and he followed me down the steps with an amused chuckle. "Where are you taking me anyway?" I asked, curiousity filling my tone.

"Aw Lisbon, Lisbon. I won't tell you! Where is the surpirse in that?" he said in mock frustration and I rolled my eyes as he opened the car door for me.

This man...

He found his way right into my heart, broke down every wall that I built to protect myself. And even though he hurt me many times, he always did it to keep me safe, and he did everything he could to make it up to me. He gave me hope and trust again, and I would be thankful for that forever. And he gave me his love, which meant more than anything for me.

I knew, that with Patrick Jane, life wouldn't be easy, but I also knew, that every day would hold a new challenge for me, and that I would love him till the day I die...

And that was more than enough for me.

**So, this was it! What do you think guys? Was it good? Bad?  
Please please, one last time tell me what do you think about this story! I would love to read your opinion! :) You know that every single word you write makes my day brighter!  
This story ends here, but in case you are wondering, I already have an idea of another story. Actually, I started writing it recently, and … well, I like it! :) I really hope you will like it too!  
Thank you again for all the feedback and support, you guys are truly awesome!  
Hopefully see you at the next story, all the best to all of you!  
Until next time, xxx**


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